08.29.15 [49/52] What will we do when we get old, will we walk down the same road? (…Will you be there, by my side?)

Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
_ _


“The nights are long,
Longing for you to come home…”

. . ..


How am I supposed to do this?
How am I supposed to give up my time with you for them?
I was so ready not long ago,
And now I’m doubting every urge within myself.


Something tells me I will just know when it’s right, but what if I’m too late?
What if my mind is ready, but my body has far past its limitations?

I fucking hate this.
I hate the urges.  I hate the pressure.  I don’t even fucking WANT them.
YOU are the only reason I want any of this…
Am I so wrong to be terrified that they will take you away?


Then who would I be?
Surely not the person that created this ‘love’…..

/ / /

All we need is somebody to lean on..

08.22.15 [48/52] Do you recall, not long ago- We would walk on the sidewalk… (Innocent, remember?)

08.22.15Music/title: Lean On (Major Lazer x DJ Snake feat. MØ cover); Miracles of Modern Science
_ _


“We would only hold on to let go.”

. .. . …


[ Was it comfortable?
…Did you revel in the slight attempt of self destruction? ]

 . . .

I wonder- Am I merely a fake?
Like everyone else- Only after my own gratification?
I used to watch you pass by; judging so harshly the perfect sphere you found yourself within..


Hurting others for my own self fulfillment.
…How much better could I truly be?

/ / /

Blow a kiss, fire a gun…

09.27.14 [1/52] Take me out of your head, feed me luminol instead- Of your thoughts, of your skin.. ( I’m fine, I’m fine! )

Music/title: Luminol; Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

The time has finally come…

. . .. . ….

A piece of my life was once filled with photography.
It helped me grow, and become the person I am finally proud to say I am today.
Photography helped me realize that not only could I create things to share; that others would love, but that I could create goals- Actually keeping and enjoying them in the process.  There were many reasons I stopped after my goal was achieved, but I find myself once again feeling a similar void in my life..
That something is missing.

My days are going by too quickly to remember,
and I feel regret with every un-captured moment I let slip by.

So here I am.
Middle of the year.  52 weeks.  Day 1:

I always feel a self-portrait is in order for the first photo.
This, my wonderful and incredibly missed friends.. Is only the beginning of what’s in store.



Now she spurts, now she sputters, now she dies.. ( Kill the lights, close the curtains, shut your eyes…….. )

09.19.14 -2
Music/title: Quantum Of Solace; Miracles of Modern Science
_ _


I should be dead.

Or at least the living equivalent of it.
Ever seen your mother douse herself in gasoline?
[ Ever wished she’d actually lit the match? ]

.. . .. . . ..

Imagine for a brief moment your childhood.
Imagine your fifteen year old self wishing for your own death.
[ Kill yourself?  No. You wouldn’t go quite that far with it. ]
Imagine waking up alone.
Imagine not knowing if you’d see your mother today, or if she’d stay locked in that room.
[ You’re crying, pounding your tiny fists on her door.. It’s been weeks since you last felt the sun dig into your skin.
So desperate.. You’re swearing and screaming you won’t go anywhere else.

Sixteen years old, and she nearly lights the whole house on fire attempting her suicide.
[ But she’s your mother. You love her. How could you leave her?  It’s not her fault she’s sick… Right? ]
Seventeen years old, and you left.  But still she calls.  And hours are filled with talk of your betrayal.
[ You’re a terrible daughter.  How could abandon your own mother like that.  Everyone else, sure …But you? ]

Twenty-two years old, and she nearly beats your grandmother to death with a paperweight.
[ But she won’t press charges.  Because it’s her daughter.  It’s not her fault she’s sick… Right? ]
Twenty-five years old, and she’s finally institutionalized.  Locked away forever;
You wonder how it ever got this far..

[ Twenty-five years in- You’re happily engaged, miles and miles away from her insanity.
And you’re wondering how it ever got this far…

.. . . .. . .

Sometimes it’s worth holding your breath for just a little bit longer..
Because that single moment when the pain finally does stop…
That- That’s what’s really worth living for.

Please just forget my face… I’ll eradicate every memory of you. ( Oh, do you love this too? )

08.30.14 -1

Music/title: Strangerous; Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

It feels uncomfortable to miss you.


I go somewhere we used to explore together- I think of the moment we once shared, I remember how we used to be… And there it is again.  That longing for the friendship we used to have.

Part of me thinks it’d be okay if I tried to speak to you again.
[ Could I maybe swallow my gut instinct just this once..? ]
But then I remember the intensely crushing, hurtful feeling you left me standing with the last we spoke.
And I don’t. 

. .. . …..

“It hurts to know that all I may be left with is wondering everyday how you are doing, and never actually knowing.”

/ / /

The small, empty space of you is still inside me,
echoing in my everyday life.