And the- And the smile it just, floats away.. (As if the world is satisfied when night turns into day)

Music/title: Waves; Electric Guest
_ _


“Oh, my mind, is all
Washed away, all away.”

. . .


More uneventful than most birthdays, I would say.
Yet, with the right company-
One of the best…….


Dear Arden,

I love you.
I’d take a gluten free snack adventure over gifts any day.

Bunches of love,


/ / /

And always such a pretty thing..

I can taste it on my tongue, but I couldn’t keep it all in my grasp… (How can I hope to ever find you now?)

Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
_ _


“I can’t look away,
but I don’t wanna meet your eyes.”

.. . . …. .


Do you see me making an effort?
I’m trying, really. I truly am.
But it’s hard. My thoughts are pressing against all the happiness I feel.
Why am I so sad lately?
…Not depressed sadness, but a feeling of longing. An overwhelming, consistent wave of emotions.
Is this my body trying to tell me it’s time? Have I waited too long?


Your skin is never close enough to mine. ..why am I this unsettled?
You are there.
Everyday, you are there for me. …Yet,
I still don’t know what I need.

I think this is all part of my sickness.
The reason I was ever so afraid to love you-

So afraid of the possible effects,
that I’m caught in the endless cycle of hurting myself….


…How can I hope to be where you are?

/ / /

And I’m holding out my hand to you…

09.05.15 [50/52] For what have I been living for? …When will I find out the answer- (An answer that is only for you)

Music/title: Let Me Hear; Fear, and Loathing In Las Vegas
_ _


“Let me hear, Let me hear, Let me hear…”

.. . …

On some level I think you knew I wouldn’t come back.

So I found myself craving help more than my own self destruction.
And that- That’s when you really surprised me….




[ “…Could you feel me screaming out?” ]

03.21.15 [26/52] Hello there, Dear Nicholas…. ( I’ve hated you since our first kiss )

Music/title: Bungalow; Al Bairre
_ _


“You’ll never understand, I just did it ‘cause I can…”

. .. ..


It was just so damn vivid..

[ Are you still going through with it? ]



. . .


Sometimes I hear her voice-  Playing those same conversations over and over in my head.
Sometimes I imagine smashing her head into the floor- Purely beyond recognition..


[ Still think you’re going through with it? ]


/ / /

I’ve had a little bit too much of her..

11.15.14 [8/52] So when can we fall in love again? ( When can we; So when can we ) ..When can we maybe be friends?

Music/title: When Can We; KYLE
_ _

“I want to tell them what I believe because I’ve done the research!

So they don’t have to- 
So they don’t go out into the world and become one of the crazy, religious nutjobs. 
So they don’t become an extreme atheist.  I want to tell them what I believe so they can be happy;
So they can live their lives however they want…”

.. . …

Our day to day lives engulf the reasons we fall in love with a person,
But then there are moments like these.

And there you are all over again.

/ / /

When can we love again?

Let me show you everything I know…


Music/title: Gooey (Giligan Moss Remix); Glass Animals
_ _

“Nothing is ever easy.”

. … .. . ..

That is the goddamn understatement of the year.

There is no manual for this shit.  There is no God telling me, “Yes. That’s good.” Or, “No, don’t do that.”  It’s just me.  It’s just me fumbling around with my past experiences, and the occasional advice from others. I don’t know what’s right from wrong anymore than the next person.

What I do know is how I feel.  I try to empathize with others, but what the fuck do I know.
Absolutely fucking nothing, that’s what..

[ I am so sick of this constant disappointment. ]


Sometimes I think it’d be easier to feel nothing at all. But then I meet someone who, more or less, is emotionless.  I watch them envy me.  I watch them thirst for emotions the way I feel them, and I realize I don’t want that.

Then again,
I don’t think I know what the fuck I want with this anymore…

. .. .. …….

( “Truth be told- I’ve been here,
I’ve done this all before.” )

We can’t both become the same pawn that’s made to fall- Oil that tastes like blood, stole the summer scent..


Music/title: Jars; Chevelle
_ _

Oh, how I’ve missed this.

It’s been a while.

Things just keep falling into place. And I think I finally understand him now. I understand why he says he’s evil. I didn’t realize what I was seeing until I’d stepped halfway into it, but suddenly there it was- his darkness. I saw it and held it, and for a brief moment it terrified me.

But then I saw something familiar.. I saw him fight it.
I saw him trying desperately to push that side of him away.
I saw all the same emotions I have within myself inside of him,
and all the doubt that was on the edge of mine vanished.
I saw him. I mean, I really saw him…

And I loved him all the more for it.

This can only get better..

/ / /

“Steal from yourselves,
It never felt so good.”

Because we won’t back down; we won’t run and hide.. ‘Cause these are the things that we can’t deny.

Music/title: Satellite; Rise Against
_ _
“I miss the ever living out of you.. You make me more happy than anything else on this planet. From the day I first met you I wanted you to be as happy with *you* as I am with you. And I want to be together with you for as long as I can. I never want to say goodbye and don’t think I ever did want to, nor will I ever.
And you’re right, this isn’t perfect. It feels so much better than that. We have found the person that brings out our darkness and at same time calms it. And I still don’t 100% understand it all. I just know that I want this. And while I would have moved heaven and earth to get it a year ago.. Now it’s just happening. And it is falling into place like it has been there all along.”

/ / /
Ross moved out.
These are sitting by my front door.
The apartment feels empty, but right at the same time.
I feel like I’d been needing this for many reasons.
I was falling in love with my best friend.
I was confused with all of my emotions, and I’m sorry I couldn’t figure it out sooner.