Music/title: Moonlight; Grace Vanderwaal
“These will be a life long stories.”
. . …
Four days and counting.
If you could see me now..
My life- In boxes again.
But this time I am making a home for myself.
I am creating everything that you took from me.
I am in control.
And you won’t ever take it from me again.
Music/title: Black Beatles; Our Last Night
“There is nothing to explain.”
. . …
Only two more weeks until I hit refresh on this life.
Sometimes I wish I had parents to see how far I’ve progressed.
And it’s time like these that I miss her. Or the idea of her, at least.
I wonder if she’s sane enough to feel regret.
I wonder if I truly care anymore.
Music/title: Kill V. Maim; Grimes
“Oh, the fire, it’s alright.
The people touch it-
I can’t touch it, even though it’s mine.”
. .. …
I couldn’t think of a single trait of hers I carried within me.
Was I happy?
Would I really want to be like her?
I sure used to think so.
I haven’t thought of her in a while.
I haven’t needed to.
She could be dead with all the others as far as I know.
…Wouldn’t that be a treat.
Do you think most daughters wish their mothers dead today?
…Can you even stomach the concept?
/ / /
And I do what I can.
Music/title: Polarize; Twenty One Pilots
“We have problems.”
. . ….
Sometimes I lie to people-
Telling them it’s no big deal, that I don’t give a shit about her.
‘Why the fuck do you even care?!’ ..I tell myself.
You think I called you cause I miss you… I was merely filling the insatiable void.
. . .
One of these days I won’t be able to hide anymore.
..And then where will we be?
Music/title: Title and registration; Death Cab for Cutie
She knew. She didn’t know how, but when her mother’s door opened for the first time in days she just knew. She heard her mother’s footsteps move into the basement, and it was then that she heard the gasoline dripping off what once was her mother and onto the floor.
..It was then she knew she had to escape.
60 words of non-fiction; May 2011
Photo taken April, almost exactly a year later.
I don’t know how to forget,
And I don’t know how to remember..
Music/title: The Sadness Will Never End; Bring Me the Horizon
“And you’re trapped in your past,
Like it’s six feet under.”
. .. …
Don’t you think I fucking know..?
You think I haven’t tried to forgive and forget?
Go on- You tell me how to “fix it.”
You give me a quick and easy solution, step by step instructions now..
And I’ll fucking do it.
But don’t you tell me she can’t help it-
Don’t proclaim “Everyone can be saved” and “She’s still human.”
And DON’T fucking feed me that bullshit about your God..
Where was he when she nearly burned herself alive?
And when she was attempting murder, where was your God then?
. .. …
Think I’m going to die if I keep harboring these feelings? –So fucking be it!
Your God should fucking know I’ve tried to forgive that worthless, incompetent piece of shit.
Your “fix” isn’t going to save anyone…
And it sure as hell isn’t going to save me.
Music/title: Bungalow; Al Bairre
“You’ll never understand, I just did it ‘cause I can…”
. .. ..
It was just so damn vivid..
[ Are you still going through with it? ]
. . .
Sometimes I hear her voice- Playing those same conversations over and over in my head.
Sometimes I imagine smashing her head into the floor- Purely beyond recognition..
[ Still think you’re going through with it? ]
/ / /
I’ve had a little bit too much of her..
Music/title: Vicarious; Tool
[ I dreamt of her again. ]
Isn’t it always this way? [ No. It was different this time. ]
She was sane? [ No, not quite. ] Oh, but that room… You were in her room again, weren’t you?
[ Yes. ]
It felt more real, didn’t it?
[ Yes. I could feel her beside me.
I could feel my disappointment with every word she didn’t hear me say.. ]
You still feel trapped in that room, don’t you?
[ Yes.. I feel I’ll never fully escape. ]
/ / /
Ten years later. And here I am..
Still sixteen, having one sided arguments with my essentially dead mother.
. .. .. .
When will it finally be enough?
Your actual death? Is that what I’m waiting for? ..Do you think then I’ll feel at peace?
Do you think then I’ll stop fucking dreaming about your insanity?
Do you think then I’ll stop envisioning my fists pounding relentlessly into your fucking flesh?!
. .. .. .
I don’t think there’s anything normal about this anymore.
Music/title: Papi Pacify; FKA Twigs
“Material objects won’t fuck me over like living things….”
. … ..
The inability to trust, our insecurities.. My self destruction, it all boils down to the events in our childhood. These things and these people we are around are forever shaping our lives..
I wish I could tell you it’ll be okay.
I wish you were smart enough to push yourself like I have.
I wish you could fix all the things that are pulling you down,
But I know you won’t. I know you don’t care.
And I know you haven’t cared for ten years now..
One day I will wake up. And you’ll be dead.
And I will lose the one person on this whole planet who knows what it felt like to grow up locked in that fucking house. I will no longer have a bond with someone who knew what it was to live with that horrible, disgusting disgrace of a person we called ‘mom’.
One day I will lose you, and all I will think of is this past summer..
That look of betrayal on your face of….
“Why did you leave….?”
Because to survive- I simply had no choice.
.. .. . .
I’m sorry you will never get out.
I’m sorry you never trust, or feel love for another person.
…I’m sorry you will never even care to try.
Music/title: Quantum Of Solace; Miracles of Modern Science
I should be dead.
Or at least the living equivalent of it.
Ever seen your mother douse herself in gasoline?
[ Ever wished she’d actually lit the match? ]
.. . .. . . ..
Imagine for a brief moment your childhood.
Imagine your fifteen year old self wishing for your own death.
[ Kill yourself? No. You wouldn’t go quite that far with it. ]
Imagine waking up alone.
Imagine not knowing if you’d see your mother today, or if she’d stay locked in that room.
[ You’re crying, pounding your tiny fists on her door.. It’s been weeks since you last felt the sun dig into your skin.
So desperate.. You’re swearing and screaming you won’t go anywhere else. ]
Sixteen years old, and she nearly lights the whole house on fire attempting her suicide.
[ But she’s your mother. You love her. How could you leave her? It’s not her fault she’s sick… Right? ]
Seventeen years old, and you left. But still she calls. And hours are filled with talk of your betrayal.
[ You’re a terrible daughter. How could abandon your own mother like that. Everyone else, sure …But you? ]
Twenty-two years old, and she nearly beats your grandmother to death with a paperweight.
[ But she won’t press charges. Because it’s her daughter. It’s not her fault she’s sick… Right? ]
Twenty-five years old, and she’s finally institutionalized. Locked away forever;
You wonder how it ever got this far..
[ Twenty-five years in- You’re happily engaged, miles and miles away from her insanity.
And you’re wondering how it ever got this far… ]
.. . . .. . .
Sometimes it’s worth holding your breath for just a little bit longer..
Because that single moment when the pain finally does stop…
That- That’s what’s really worth living for.