You gave up being good when you declared a state of war… (I DON’T BEHAVE, I DON’T BEHAVE, OH EH)


Music/title: Kill V. Maim; Grimes
_ _

 

“Oh, the fire, it’s alright.
The people touch it-
I can’t touch it, even though it’s mine.”

. .. …

 

I couldn’t think of a single trait of hers I carried within me.

Was I happy?
Would I really want to be like her?

I sure used to think so.
I haven’t thought of her in a while.
I haven’t needed to.

She could be dead with all the others as far as I know.
…Wouldn’t that be a treat.

Do you think most daughters wish their mothers dead today?

 

Can you even stomach the concept?

/ / /

 
And I do what I can.

I think I lost my halo.. I don’t know where you are, you’ll have to come and find me- (FIND ME!)


Music/title: Polarize; Twenty One Pilots
_ _

 

“We have problems.”

. . ….

 

Sometimes I lie to people-
Telling them it’s no big deal, that I don’t give a shit about her.
‘Why the fuck do you even care?!’ ..I tell myself.

You think I called you cause I miss you… I was merely filling the insatiable void.

. . .

 

One of these days I won’t be able to hide anymore.
..And then where will we be?

 

And now that it’s gone, it’s like it wasn’t there at all…

04.18.12 -1
Music/title: Title and registration; Death Cab for Cutie
_ _
 

She knew.  She didn’t know how, but when her mother’s door opened for the first time in days she just knew.  She heard her mother’s footsteps move into the basement, and it was then that she heard the gasoline dripping off what once was her mother and onto the floor.

 

..It was then she knew she had to escape.

 
60 words of non-fiction; May 2011
Photo taken April, almost exactly a year later.
________

 

I don’t know how to forget,
And I don’t know how to remember..

I can taste the failure on your lips; And I’ll save you from yourself… (Can we make it out alive?)


Music/title: The Sadness Will Never End; Bring Me the Horizon
_ _

 

“And you’re trapped in your past,
Like it’s six feet under.”

. .. …

 

Don’t you think I fucking know..?
You think I haven’t tried to forgive and forget?

Go on- You tell me how to “fix it.”
You give me a quick and easy solution, step by step instructions now..
And I’ll fucking do it.
 

But don’t you tell me she can’t help it-
Don’t proclaim “Everyone can be saved” and “She’s still human.”
And DON’T fucking feed me that bullshit about your God..
Where was he when she nearly burned herself alive?
And when she was attempting murder, where was your God then?
. .. …
 

Think I’m going to die if I keep harboring these feelings?  –So fucking be it!
Your God should fucking know I’ve tried to forgive that worthless, incompetent piece of shit.
Your “fix” isn’t going to save anyone…

 

And it sure as hell isn’t going to save me.

03.21.15 [26/52] Hello there, Dear Nicholas…. ( I’ve hated you since our first kiss )

03.21.15
Music/title: Bungalow; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“You’ll never understand, I just did it ‘cause I can…”

. .. ..

 

It was just so damn vivid..

[ Are you still going through with it? ]

 

 
….Of-fucking-course.

. . .


 

Sometimes I hear her voice-  Playing those same conversations over and over in my head.
Sometimes I imagine smashing her head into the floor- Purely beyond recognition..

 

[ Still think you’re going through with it? ]

 

/ / /

 
I’ve had a little bit too much of her..

She used the poison in his tea, and kissed him goodbye. ( So it is. So it’s always been. ) ..It’s no fun ’til someone dies.


Music/title: Vicarious; Tool
_ _
 

[ I dreamt of her again. ]

Isn’t it always this way?  [ No.  It was different this time. ]
She was sane?  [ No, not quite. ]  Oh, but that room… You were in her room again, weren’t you?

[ Yes. ]

It felt more real, didn’t it?

[ Yes.  I could feel her beside me.
I could feel my disappointment with every word she didn’t hear me say.
. ]

You still feel trapped in that room, don’t you?

[ Yes.. I feel I’ll never fully escape. ]

/ / /
 

Ten years later.  And here I am..
Still sixteen, having one sided arguments with my essentially dead mother.

. .. .. .

When will it finally be enough?
Your actual death?  Is that what I’m waiting for? ..Do you think then I’ll feel at peace?
Do you think then I’ll stop fucking dreaming about your insanity?

Do you think then I’ll stop envisioning my fists pounding relentlessly into your fucking flesh?!

. .. .. .
 

I don’t think there’s anything normal about this anymore.
 

Tell me I’m the only one; Like I didn’t know.. ( Oh. Show. ) Tell me I’m the one that I can call… Even if you choke.


Music/title: Papi Pacify; FKA Twigs
_ _

 
“Material objects won’t fuck me over like living things….”

. … ..

 

The inability to trust, our insecurities.. My self destruction, it all boils down to the events in our childhood.  These things and these people we are around are forever shaping our lives..

I wish I could tell you it’ll be okay.
I wish you were smart enough to push yourself like I have.
I wish you could fix all the things that are pulling you down,
But I know you won’t. I know you don’t care.
And I know you haven’t cared for ten years now..

 

One day I will wake up. And you’ll be dead.
And I will lose the one person on this whole planet who knows what it felt like to grow up locked in that fucking house.  I will no longer have a bond with someone who knew what it was to live with that horrible, disgusting disgrace of a person we called ‘mom’.

One day I will lose you, and all I will think of is this past summer..
That look of betrayal on your face of….

“Why did you leave….?”
 
 
Because to survive- I simply had no choice.

.. .. . .

 
I’m sorry you will never get out.
I’m sorry you never trust, or feel love for another person.

 

…I’m sorry you will never even care to try.

Now she spurts, now she sputters, now she dies.. ( Kill the lights, close the curtains, shut your eyes…….. )

09.19.14 -2
Music/title: Quantum Of Solace; Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

 

I should be dead.

Or at least the living equivalent of it.
Ever seen your mother douse herself in gasoline?
[ Ever wished she’d actually lit the match? ]

.. . .. . . ..

Imagine for a brief moment your childhood.
Imagine your fifteen year old self wishing for your own death.
[ Kill yourself?  No. You wouldn’t go quite that far with it. ]
Imagine waking up alone.
Imagine not knowing if you’d see your mother today, or if she’d stay locked in that room.
[ You’re crying, pounding your tiny fists on her door.. It’s been weeks since you last felt the sun dig into your skin.
So desperate.. You’re swearing and screaming you won’t go anywhere else.
]

Sixteen years old, and she nearly lights the whole house on fire attempting her suicide.
[ But she’s your mother. You love her. How could you leave her?  It’s not her fault she’s sick… Right? ]
Seventeen years old, and you left.  But still she calls.  And hours are filled with talk of your betrayal.
[ You’re a terrible daughter.  How could abandon your own mother like that.  Everyone else, sure …But you? ]

Twenty-two years old, and she nearly beats your grandmother to death with a paperweight.
[ But she won’t press charges.  Because it’s her daughter.  It’s not her fault she’s sick… Right? ]
Twenty-five years old, and she’s finally institutionalized.  Locked away forever;
You wonder how it ever got this far..

[ Twenty-five years in- You’re happily engaged, miles and miles away from her insanity.
And you’re wondering how it ever got this far…
]

.. . . .. . .
 

Sometimes it’s worth holding your breath for just a little bit longer..
Because that single moment when the pain finally does stop…
That- That’s what’s really worth living for.

So put on your best suit and tie, I’ll put on my best dress to fake being accomplished… ( Then we’ll know we are grown )

05.17.14 -9

Music/title: Put On; Danielle Ate the Sandwich

_ _

Chapter 1 [?]

 

Does my name really matter?
How does a name define a person anyway?

My mother told me she choose my name because she read it in a book. She said the heroine in the story was strong in her life, and that she wanted the same for me- To be strong. Little did she know how much I would actually need it.

 

My mother. Now there’s a character to be had.

She was strong. One of the strongest people I think I’ve yet to meet. And, my god, I swear she knew a little bit about everything in life. You name it, and she’d done it or tried it. If not that, then she damn well knew how to figure it out. I wanted to be everything she was when I was younger- To know how to, so easily, do everything that was thrown my way. She was good at ‘life things,’ as I called it. And I envied her.

As for me, I suppose I’m something to be had myself. Alright, I am something… God, even now it’s hard to display myself on the proper shelf. Maybe by the end of this, eh?

Heh. ‘The end.

I’ve never focused much on that, you see. I’ve always had to take one day at a time. Because every day was different. Because every morning life threw something different on my plate and said, “This is what you’re dealt. Deal with it.

It’s only now that I’m starting to realize I don’t need to view life that way anymore. It’s no longer a matter of life and death, but, instead, of happiness and fulfillment. Arden is slowly showing me that.

Oh, Arden. The man is everything to me. Absolutely fucking everything.

But this?
This isn’t about him.

 

This is about everything before that.

I walked into the room dripping, in gold…. ( Can’t you want m-m-me? )

Music/title: Crave You (Adventure Club Dubstep Remix); Flight Facilities
_ _

 
Part of me considered going to see her.

Not to speak with her, but just to see her. To watch her weak, pathetic self rotting away in that lifeless mental institution. Part of me hoped I’d feel a sense of satisfaction, maybe even closure…
But I know better.

She will always be there, sitting in the back of my mind-
Grasping what little anger I contain within myself. And it will always be pure bliss imaging how it would be to break her every fiber… To feel my mother’s flesh soften beneath my tiny fists… God, how sweet it would be…

 
But I know better.

This wouldn’t give me closure.
There is no closure for me.

 
And there never will be…