I’m sick of words that hang above my head- What about the kid? (It’s time the kid got FREE)

Music/title: Sleepless Club (WEKEED Boot); Lorde vs Flume
_ _


Take the pill, make it too real.
The other day I forgot my old address. I’m sitting pretty on the throne.
There’s nothing more I want, except to be alone..

. . ….. … ..


“There was no real sense of life,
because she had nothing to contrast it with.
The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly.
The farther you run, the more God wants you back.

Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club


/ / /


It’s a day for words and curves.
Where do you see yourself at the end of your life?

Comment for me.


[03/05] And I’m gonna have to learn that this love will never be convenient, convenient… (Oh, convenient)

06.09.16 -2
Music/title: Tattooed Tears; The Front Bottoms
_ _


I hear her whisper,
“All I want is to want nothing.”

.. . ..


You wanted me to want it for so long.
Your dream- Your idea of ‘perfect beauty’ all wrapped up in a singular, well-formed package.
And then suddenly the dream is a forced reality.
And my formerly structured self perspective falls to pieces within my own hands.

You say, “No, that’s not right.”
It wasn’t supposed to happen this way…
Yeah, well-

“You can’t teach God anything.”



And I can’t tell you the reality brings my confidence to tears….

/ / /

There is no music when we kiss…

04.18.15 [30/52] Now that we’re lonely, Now that there’s nowhere to go… ( we lost faith, in the arms of love )

04.12.15 -5
Music/title: The Wolves; Ben Howard
_ _


Wash.. Rinse.. Repeat..
And out of the depression we come.

. … …


I still fight the urges.
Those tiny prickling sensations when we’re just close enough..
I feel my lungs slow; my heart speed up..
And I want to scream- To get as far away from it as I possibly can.
I want to go back to when I never wanted it.
To when you didn’t want it.
To when my own body didn’t betray me so much-
You say you’d love me regardless..
But what if I don’t? ..What if I never forgive myself for it?
. …. …

Sometimes I want the pain; all the awful memories…
To remember how wonderful everything is going to be now.


And, sometimes.. Sometimes I want those tiny, prickling sensations too.


/ / /

Red tongues and hands..

04.11.15 [29/52] So I began to hate everything; all at once I was running.. But I couldn’t fake it anymore. (Could you feel me screaming out?)

Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
_ _


“Who am I to expect anything?”

.. . ….


“It’s not too different.
You don’t find depression in a bottle or package.
You make it yourself.  You dispense it from your own mind.

Regardless of my own understanding or lack of empathy, I do love you..
More than anything.

And if I can’t speak to the love of my life-
Take her places and talk her through her own form of addiction, then what kind of man would I be?”

… ….

“Do you know why we get sad, Bettina?”

[ No. ]


“To remind ourselves why we want to be happy.”


You’ve got a heart filled with passion… Will you let it burn for hate or compassion?

Music/title: Killing For Love; Jose Gonzalez
_ _


“Killing for love.”

.. . . ..


Now it’s 11:03pm,
And I know that I will be a different person by the end of this year-
A better version of myself.

Shouldn’t that be how it always is?
Mustn’t we always strive to become a better, more complete version of ourselves?

I used to think, ‘I want to be done.’
But now, I almost want the exact opposite… [ “May we never be complete!” ]
. .. . . ..



Now it’s 11:11pm.
Time to let the chips fall where they may…

02.21.15 [22/52] And now I wonder if it’s meant to be- Desolation, tragedy… (Is there nothing good in me?)

02.22.15 -0
Music/title: Release; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection.”

. .. . .


I wonder if this is the height of it all?
I feel I’ve been here before..  Everything so perfect and in it’s place-  A calm before the storm.
I can feel the entropy taking over again…


I need to get this air out of my lungs.


/ / /

Oh, let me have release…

02.07.15 [20/52] And your wrist got bruised, and you wanted better love… Well, it’s sleeping in your bedroom.

Music/title: Walking The Dog; Fun.
_ _


“I’ve met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging
on the wall behind him, and God asks me, “Why?”  Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn’t I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can’t I see how we’re all manifestations of love?

I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God’s got this all wrong.
We are not special.  We are not crap or trash, either.  We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, “No, that’s not right.”

Yeah.  Well.  Whatever.  You can’t teach God anything.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club


/ / /

Hold on, stay on my side, don’t go…

And if I fall, I’ll take it all…. It’s so easy after all.

06.22.13 -1
Music/title: Some Say; Sum 41
_ _

“People are evil, disgusting little things. 
It’s no different than watching animals in a zoo. 
Human life and animal life..
It’s all fucked up.”

. . .. . .. ..


I wish I could start this over.
I would take back the hours of screaming and the crying. 
Go back to where I was, take a deep breath, and really see what I’m looking at.
But here we are, and there you are….

I suppose this is what we get.