And if I fall, I’ll take it all…. It’s so easy after all.

06.22.13 -1
Music/title: Some Say; Sum 41
_ _
 

“People are evil, disgusting little things. 
It’s no different than watching animals in a zoo. 
Human life and animal life..
It’s all fucked up.”

. . .. . .. ..

 

I wish I could start this over.
I would take back the hours of screaming and the crying. 
Go back to where I was, take a deep breath, and really see what I’m looking at.
But here we are, and there you are….
 

I suppose this is what we get.
 

01.17.15 [17/52] And I may search the world for truth, but it’s only another word for you…

01.18.15
Music/title: You Were My Home; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
_ _

 

“You were a happy dream in a life that’s been nothing but a hellish nightmare.
Those days that I spent with you, they were the only good days I have ever known.”
~ Lucy; Elfen Lied

… . . ..

 

Everything changes this year.
For the good.  For the better.  For me.

 

/ / /

 
And I am found when I found you..

12.27.14 [14/52] She said, “Paint a picture on me, throw your dress up, and your heart away.”

12.21.14 -8
Music/title: Besitos; Pierce the Veil
_ _

 

“I felt like destroying something beautiful.”

. .. . . ..

 
What is it really?
 

Is it this body? [ You tell me I’m beautiful, therefor I must be. ]
What about this photo? ..Is this what beauty looks like? [ I think it’s beautiful, therefor it must be. ]
Sometimes I get the urge to bite into flesh until I taste the blood on my lips.

 

Now that.

 
..Wouldn’t that be beautiful.
 

/ / /
 

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce the selfish machine.

Oh lady, running down to the riptide, taken away to the dark side.. ( I can’t have it, I can’t have it any other way )

Music/title: Riptide; Vance Joy
_ _

 

“I miss you all day. Even if things were to stay like this forever, I would be okay
as long as you are there with me.  Every day I see you gives me a feeling of being lifted up.

I can’t even imagine one day without seeing you.”

. .. . . . .

 

I can feel my skin crawling with anticipation when he’s away from me.  Lately all I feel is this restless need for him.  Need for his skin.  Need for his touch, presence… His everything.  I want to drown myself in everything he has to offer, and it overwhelms me.

 

It doesn’t matter how many hours we spend together, or how often I demand he bury himself inside of me.  …The need is still there.  It never used to feel this way.  It was never this constant...

 

I just want to feel fulfilled. Just for a few hours.

/ / /
 

 

[ ..But do you really want it to stop? ]

 

The glove compartment is inaccurately named, and everybody knows it…

06.01.14 -4
Music/title: Title and Registration; Death Cab For Cutie
_ _
 

“I know you didn’t want to bake a cake.”

 .. .. …

 
I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to anything he does for me.

 
I feel like I am entitled to nothing in this world,
but everyone keeps telling me I deserve everything, if anyone does..
Maybe no one ever really deserves anything.
People keep telling me I do, though…

And they tell me I was right in ending that friendship.
And they tell me I’m a good person.
And that I’ve never tried to truly hurt anyone.
 
::sighs::
 

I don’t think this is about cake anymore…..

. .. . .. ..

 
“I know it’s hard sometimes,
and you want to be able to just pick something up for yourself,
or have something made for you.
And I know that’s hard to do,
but I will do whatever I can to make you happy.”

 

[ A response to a failed baking of a gluten free cake,
and the acquiring of a new one. ]

Let me show you everything I know…

01.18.14

Music/title: Gooey (Giligan Moss Remix); Glass Animals
_ _

“Nothing is ever easy.”

. … .. . ..

That is the goddamn understatement of the year.

There is no manual for this shit.  There is no God telling me, “Yes. That’s good.” Or, “No, don’t do that.”  It’s just me.  It’s just me fumbling around with my past experiences, and the occasional advice from others. I don’t know what’s right from wrong anymore than the next person.

What I do know is how I feel.  I try to empathize with others, but what the fuck do I know.
Absolutely fucking nothing, that’s what..

[ I am so sick of this constant disappointment. ]

 

Sometimes I think it’d be easier to feel nothing at all. But then I meet someone who, more or less, is emotionless.  I watch them envy me.  I watch them thirst for emotions the way I feel them, and I realize I don’t want that.

Then again,
I don’t think I know what the fuck I want with this anymore…

. .. .. …….

( “Truth be told- I’ve been here,
I’ve done this all before.” )

Fuck you if you love a car for it’s paint job; love you if you love a car for the road trips. (Show me the miles on your arms..)

03.08.13. -2
 
Music/title: Sloppy Seconds; Watsky
_ _
 
 
Let’s throw everything to the wind. Let’s say, ‘Fuck it all!’ Let’s evolve; let the chips fall where they may.
And never question the actions we have with the best intentions.
You want to feel invincible?
 
Just be..
 
… .. . .. . .
 
“But don’t paint me like the good guy ‘cause every time I write
I get to choose the angle that you view me, and select the nicest light.”

 
~ Tiny Glowing Screens (Part 2); Watsky
 

08.22.12 [239] Things won’t change until we do.

08.22.12

 
Music/title: Changes (Shlohmo Remix); LOL Boys
_ _
 
 
“I have these feelings for you,” He says as he runs a hand down my arched back and perfectly displayed ass. “..Some might call them love.” He grips my ass tightly; admiring his property.
 
“I have feelings for you that some might call love as well, Sir.” I tighten my position. I want to turn to him, to ask him to hurt me …that I desperately want to hurt for him. This is the only way I can think to show him how much I love and trust him.
 
I would’ve let him destroy me right in that moment. I would’ve gladly let him break me until I didn’t recognize myself as a person anymore. I don’t know if it was my love for him, or my complete devotion as a slave that felt such a pull to give myself to him. But, my god, how I’ve missed being this..
 
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we’re free to do anything.”
 
 
/ / /
 
He finally said it. Later, after everything else… “I do love you.”
And he said it again the next day, and the next..
 

05.23.12 [148] Whatcha doing standing there shaking like that? Ahh, well the boys are gonna tell ya what to do. Listen:

05.23.12
 
Music/title: Dramophone; Caravan Palace
_ _
 
 
I’ve been doing nothing but listening to Caravan Palace and thinking all day. About anything and everything that’s been on my mind lately. I think I’m going to tell Jenny I love her. I’m not in love with her, but I definitely love her. She’s officially “my person” as of today. I put it into words and everything, even though I’m sure we’ve both known for months now. ::smiles:: She says I’m mostly adorable, and that what’s not adorable is made up of cute. I miss her. She’ll be at the world steam expo all this weekend. I can feel withdrawals coming on already.
 
The idea of my mother has been bothering me recently. Or at least she’s been on my mind, which is just bothersome in and of itself. I think of her, and I get angry, and after a certain period of time thinking about this I just get the urge to hurt. To be hurt. Like I deserve it. It frustrates me that she’s still making me feel this way despite our complete lack of contact. The fact that she’s alive just eats away at me.
 
Ross says it’ll probably be something that I’ll spend most of my life getting over. And then, someday, something will happen. Or something will be said by someone. It could be the tiniest of things, but that that’ll be it. Suddenly I just …won’t care anymore.
 
I’d love not to care about her. And we’re back to Shortbus:
 
 
“It’s hard not to feel anything in your life.”