07.18.15 [43/52] And covered in skin- We are, we are the same things (We touch in the dark rooms) ..But I wont tell you what I am hiding up my sleeve.

07.18.15
Music/title: Handsome Girl; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
_ _

 

“One thing I do know.. That he loves you-
Probably more than anyone else ever will.”

.. … ..

 

The closer we get, the harder my lungs collapse.
I feel like I don’t how to do this; like I am blindly throwing myself forward..
..Yet all I can think of is your smile. 

Your big, loving eyes staring down at me.  I see my entire body fold in on itself with every breath, and I see your face.. I see how wonderfully happy I’ve made you.  I see all those years of waiting; all the years of standing by through friendship… Hoping each day I might be ready for it.

A whole year and a half- those words…

 

 

And it’s then I realize you’re all I’ve ever wanted from anything.

 

/ / /

 
And I have chosen to choose you..

07.04.15 [41/52] But the devil is inside me, and he is whispering in my ear, “Everyone in the world would like you dead…”

06.28.15
Music/title: Our Father Is Missing; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“…My God what have we become?!”

. . … .

 

When did things change between us?
I was always your shadow; always following so desperately in your ever so confident footsteps.
I was the youngest, older sibling I knew… And yet, here we are.

 

…Let’s see you fill my shoes now.

 

/ / /

 
And he can barely see me…

06.13.15 [38/52] And if my God allows for me to speak again, I only hope I am wiser… (I’ll say nothing at all)

06.14.15
Music/title: My Mouth, My Lips; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“But I can hear all the words spilling over my lips,
And I can taste every lie..”

. .. ….

 

You think you’re okay with it, until everything starts..
And then you’re knee deep in this- This life you’ve made for yourself.
The life you’ve so perfectly crafted out of absolutely nothing- Your own personal utopia..

 
Better than anything, and still never enough.

/ / /

 
Maybe one day it will be..

I think I lost my halo.. I don’t know where you are, you’ll have to come and find me- (FIND ME!)


Music/title: Polarize; Twenty One Pilots
_ _

 

“We have problems.”

. . ….

 

Sometimes I lie to people-
Telling them it’s no big deal, that I don’t give a shit about her.
‘Why the fuck do you even care?!’ ..I tell myself.

You think I called you cause I miss you… I was merely filling the insatiable void.

. . .

 

One of these days I won’t be able to hide anymore.
..And then where will we be?

 

05.02.15 [32/52] And in the midst of this self-inflicting pain, I can see my beautiful rescue…


Music/title: My Beautiful Rescue; This Providence
_ _

 

“I should’ve known from day one.”

. …. .

 

I wasn’t ready..
But some days I think it was best.
Some days I try to imagine it any other way,
And I get stuck in this endless loop.. “What if, what it?”

I didn’t know that day, but you did..
You watched me, waiting- Holding your heart in your hands for so long.
I watched you love me like I’d never seen anyone love another..
And I took it all for granted.
 

Here I thought I’d never feel love like that.  I never thought I’d find my own heart pound out of my chest, the way yours always did.. But here I am. Here we are, three years later..

 

..I’m ready now.

 

/ / /

 
Wash my hands, these bloody hands…

03.21.15 [26/52] Hello there, Dear Nicholas…. ( I’ve hated you since our first kiss )

03.21.15
Music/title: Bungalow; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“You’ll never understand, I just did it ‘cause I can…”

. .. ..

 

It was just so damn vivid..

[ Are you still going through with it? ]

 

 
….Of-fucking-course.

. . .


 

Sometimes I hear her voice-  Playing those same conversations over and over in my head.
Sometimes I imagine smashing her head into the floor- Purely beyond recognition..

 

[ Still think you’re going through with it? ]

 

/ / /

 
I’ve had a little bit too much of her..

02.07.15 [20/52] And your wrist got bruised, and you wanted better love… Well, it’s sleeping in your bedroom.

02.07.15
Music/title: Walking The Dog; Fun.
_ _

 

“I’ve met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging
on the wall behind him, and God asks me, “Why?”  Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn’t I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can’t I see how we’re all manifestations of love?

I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God’s got this all wrong.
We are not special.  We are not crap or trash, either.  We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, “No, that’s not right.”

Yeah.  Well.  Whatever.  You can’t teach God anything.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

 

/ / /

 
Hold on, stay on my side, don’t go…

01.24.15 [18/52] And I slept in last night’s clothes and tomorrow’s dreams… ( But they’re not quite what they seem )

01.24.15
Music/title: Uma Thurman; Fall Out Boy
_ _

 

“It’s just like watching porn.. She would never *leave* me for it.”

. .. . . .

 

The desire is there, burning underneath my skin. 
I can feel it every moment I’m around another girl.  I so desperately want to reach out and touch them.. To press my body tightly against theirs, sinking my teeth deep into their soft flesh.  I want to feel their mouth moving across my skin until it absolutely suffocates me.

I want. I want. I want….

 

..If only these things were as easy as they used to be.

 

/ / /

 

Bury me till I confess…