Music/title: I Want To Know Your Plans; Say Anything
“When they pour out to paper, it’s all for you.”
. .. .
I miss you too.
I’m trying.. Really, I am.
I know it doesn’t seem like it, but the effort is there… Somewhere..
Hidden beneath all the spreadsheets and grocery lists..
Somewhere there exists a spark..
And I’m going to find it.
/ / /
I want to know your plans and how involved in them I am..
Music/title: Don’t Fuck This Up; Andrew Applepie
“I swear I’m not trying to fuck you up.”
I saw myself in her;
A former self-
A truly dedicated slave.
Surely she’s still alive in there.
The older I get, the further away it becomes.
A more distant dream.
One I used to have, to want daily..
Where did it go?
Who have I become?
It’s okay if I like the changes, right?
[ You know you could always ask him.
He knows more about you than you think.
..Don’t forget how this all began. ]
/ / /
Good Mythical Morning.
Music/title: Say My Name (Emancipator Remix); ODESZA
“So, what’d you say?”
. . .. .
Just tell him already.
…You know you want it.
Music/title: Atlas; Good Kid
“She said she was nothing but eager.”
. . .. ..
This is out of character.
But isn’t everything lately?
I mean honestly, what hasn’t changed?
I tell myself I will be complete when X happens, but X never comes, does it?
We never reach the end; The course never goes as planned..
And we’re not the character we intended to become.
/ / /
Then you said you said you said you said you said…
Music/title: Changes; Mutemath
“I’m not understood.”
.. .. ……
Life has been one roller coaster after another lately.
I don’t know what’s up or down, and I’m not entirely sure that’s how I want it.
But that’s normal right?
Aren’t we always uncertain about something in our lives?
I’m unsure about this.
But, maybe we are overdue…
Music/title: Freaky Love; Captain Kidd
Recurring Siamese dream-
Illuminate hallucinations burnt into the back of your mind..”
. . .. .
I see the remnants of the fire, but where is the spark?
The slow down is building.
The desire is fueling,
But I can’t seem to ignite.
“And what I need
Is your body
(Your freaky love)”
Music/title: Moonlight; Grace Vanderwaal
“These will be a life long stories.”
. . …
Four days and counting.
If you could see me now..
My life- In boxes again.
But this time I am making a home for myself.
I am creating everything that you took from me.
I am in control.
And you won’t ever take it from me again.
Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
“I’ll grow up and get sad.”
. …. .
If only I’d known…
I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.
All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.
What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?
[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.
Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love.. ]
Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..
If only they knew.
/ / /
It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..
Music/title: Waves; Electric Guest
“Oh, my mind, is all
Washed away, all away.”
. . .
More uneventful than most birthdays, I would say.
Yet, with the right company-
One of the best…….
I love you.
I’d take a gluten free snack adventure over gifts any day.
Bunches of love,
/ / /
And always such a pretty thing..
Music/title: Kill V. Maim; Grimes
“Oh, the fire, it’s alright.
The people touch it-
I can’t touch it, even though it’s mine.”
. .. …
I couldn’t think of a single trait of hers I carried within me.
Was I happy?
Would I really want to be like her?
I sure used to think so.
I haven’t thought of her in a while.
I haven’t needed to.
She could be dead with all the others as far as I know.
…Wouldn’t that be a treat.
Do you think most daughters wish their mothers dead today?
…Can you even stomach the concept?
/ / /
And I do what I can.