01.27.18 [4/52] ‘Cause we could hold our sights so close, or we could chase our heroes… (And I’ve been here before)

Music/title: Caviar Dreams; Al Bairre (Feat. PHFat)
_ _


“Lead me through your harmony;
We’ll sew this so your soul can breathe…”

.. .. .


It surely is a dream.
Nothing could feel this good.


For the first time in my life it doesn’t hurt.
I’m not inflamed.
It doesn’t itch. Or feel dry.
My skin isn’t covered in sores and blisters from my moments of weakness.
For the first time in my life I feel human.

To think, an eleven year old changed my life.
..What were you doing at eleven?

If you’d told me 15 years ago that I’d have this level of peace with my disease,
I’d say you were fucking nuts.


I wish I could meet Lani Lazzari,
If only to fully explain the life-changing-impact her invention has had on me.


My skin can feel like home.

/ / /

You’d been wading in the deep, dancing through your downfall…

These memories are nothing to me, just salt in the wound…

Music/title: Salt; Bad Suns
_ _


“And I don’t believe in the truth, truth.”

. . . .. . . … . .


I shouldn’t have cried.
I shouldn’t have given you hope.
I should’ve spoken every bitter word I swallowed.
But I listened.


Because that’s what you do, right?
That’s what’s polite?

[ I was merely being polite. ]

It didn’t affect me.
[ I didn’t wish to believe. ]

___ ___


What do you do when the darkest parts of you are shaken?


…You hope to hell that you’re right.

But we couldn’t do this to ourselves if it was never worth it, never worth it… (I don’t know how not to fuck this up again)

Music/title: Don’t Fuck This Up; Andrew Applepie
_ _


“I swear I’m not trying to fuck you up.”

. .


I saw myself in her;
A former self-

A truly dedicated slave.

Surely she’s still alive in there.


The older I get, the further away it becomes.
A more distant dream.
One I used to have, to want daily..

Where did it go?
Who have I become?

It’s okay if I like the changes, right?




[ You know you could always ask him.
He knows more about you than you think.

..Don’t forget how this all began. ]


/ / /


Good Mythical Morning.


You don’t impress me (admit it) You don’t intimidate me (admit it)- Why don’t you bow down, get on the ground, WALK THIS FUCKING PLANK (YEAH!)

Music/title: Admit It!; Say Anything
_ _


“Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done;
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become.”

. . … …. .


I’ve never cried at a concert before.

I’ve never felt such a connection with a band as this.
Perhaps it’s his lyrics.
Perhaps it’s his own bi-polar disorder’s pertinence to my mother.
Maybe he makes me hate her just a little bit less..


Seventeen years, two days, and fifty-four songs later-
Max Bemis still performs each and every note as if it’s his first.

The emotion portrayed was breathtaking,
and with his final ‘Walk Through Hell’ I couldn’t help myself…


/ / /

And I say yeah (what do you..)

They’re bold; The knots that bind her love- The product of desire to inspire selfish harmony, Oh.. (And what I want is your body)

Music/title: Freaky Love; Captain Kidd
_ _


“My vaccine;
Recurring Siamese dream-
Illuminate hallucinations burnt into the back of your mind..”

. . .. .


I see the remnants of the fire, but where is the spark?


The slow down is building.
The desire is fueling,
But I can’t seem to ignite.

. .


“And what I need
Is your body
(Your freaky love)”


I’ve got this poison running deep in my mind, my mind.. (I know you think it’s alright)

Music/title: Wasted On You (feat. ROZES); Louis Futon
_ _


“I’m wasted on you.”

. . … .. …..


Liberating doesn’t begin to cover it.
A twinge of denial, maybe.
I still can’t believe it all. Everything seems so surreal in our lives.

Did you plan this from the start?


A part of me believes I had nothing to do with it. That it was all thanks to others. The bad parts of my mind attempt to latch on- hopes of some form of sabotage..


..the other side.
The part that has drug me through all the blood and tears… That part is proud.
Look at how far you’ve come. ..Look at what you’ve done for yourself..

Aren’t you so happy now?


If I ever believed in a God,
now would be the time to thank him.

/ / /

We keep it going just like we always do, we do..

Oh, and what’s the world becoming? No.. (What have we- What have we done?)

Music/title: Drowning World feat. Bjurman; Andrew Applepie
_ _


“So, so, so- “

. … ..


Covering it up breaks my heart.
Preemptively, even more so.

But it it must be done.
Twenty-eight years, and I’m ready for change. I’ve grown too comfortable in this world, in this skin. I need new.
I need out of routine.

“So, so, so- “


It must be done.

/ / /


I highly recommend this song.
A big thank you to Casey Neistat for introducing me to the love that is Andrew Applepie. <3

Our house is falling over- Don’t drown me, I’m underwater. Let’s call this whole thing over… (Why are you here?)

Music/title: Just a Like Song; Al Bairre
_ _


“Upside down,
Inside out..
(Anywhere you wanna be)”

. . … .


[ But I’m not qualified for anything. ]

“You’re always saying that.”

[ What am I qualified for then? ]



Good or bad.
Right or wrong.

I hate choice.
I want to be told what to do-
I want subservience;
To be a slave.

– –

But, darling… You wear the mask so well.

/ / /


Disbanded treats.
Thank you, Al Bairre. <3

Listen once to me…

Music/title: My Friends Never Die; ODESZA
_ _


“Nothing is as good as you can imagine it.
No one is as beautiful as she is in your head.
Nothing is as exciting as your fantasy.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

. . .


I just don’t know about myself lately.



“We’ve taken the world apart,
but we have no idea what to do with the pieces.”