Remember last year when you told me, to always stay here and never leave me.. (The light from your eyes made it feel like we-e-e-e were dancing in the moonlight)

Music/title: Moonlight; Grace Vanderwaal
_ _


“These will be a life long stories.”

. . …


Four days and counting.
If you could see me now..

My life- In boxes again.
But this time I am making a home for myself.
I am creating everything that you took from me.

I am in control.


And you won’t ever take it from me again.

I’m sick of words that hang above my head- What about the kid? (It’s time the kid got FREE)

Music/title: Sleepless Club (WEKEED Boot); Lorde vs Flume
_ _


Take the pill, make it too real.
The other day I forgot my old address. I’m sitting pretty on the throne.
There’s nothing more I want, except to be alone..

. . ….. … ..


“There was no real sense of life,
because she had nothing to contrast it with.
The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly.
The farther you run, the more God wants you back.

Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club


/ / /


It’s a day for words and curves.
Where do you see yourself at the end of your life?

Comment for me.


[03/05] And I’m gonna have to learn that this love will never be convenient, convenient… (Oh, convenient)

06.09.16 -2
Music/title: Tattooed Tears; The Front Bottoms
_ _


I hear her whisper,
“All I want is to want nothing.”

.. . ..


You wanted me to want it for so long.
Your dream- Your idea of ‘perfect beauty’ all wrapped up in a singular, well-formed package.
And then suddenly the dream is a forced reality.
And my formerly structured self perspective falls to pieces within my own hands.

You say, “No, that’s not right.”
It wasn’t supposed to happen this way…
Yeah, well-

“You can’t teach God anything.”



And I can’t tell you the reality brings my confidence to tears….

/ / /

There is no music when we kiss…

[02/05] ‘Cause you were high school, and I was just more like real life.. (And you were okay, okay)

06.09.16 -1
Music/title: Father; The Front Bottoms
_ _


“I’ll do the pushups,
I’ll wear the makeup.”

.. .. …

It feels almost as if I’ve misplaced the entire door to my home-
Left wandering aimlessly with keys in hand.

It’s coming back.
Slowly, but surely…


..I’m finding the door to myself again.

/ / /

I’ll do whatever he wants all night.

03.14.15 [25/52] Take your time, and I won’t ask why… (You don’t have to be anyone)

Music/title: Fog; From Indian Lakes
_ _


“This is what I imagine the exact opposite of dying to feel like.”


. . ….


[ I fucking love this.  Is this what you feel all the time?? ]

“No, but it is a good feeling.”

[ I almost didn’t go there.  I was so nervous.. I thought of every excuse as to why I couldn’t.  When, in reality, I was simply scared-  Scared to step outside my comfort zone.  Scared to put myself out there… To face disappointment. ]


“My policy is-
Punch your comfort zone in the face.”


/ / /

“You’re now stuck with that feeling forever..”

01.24.15 [18/52] And I slept in last night’s clothes and tomorrow’s dreams… ( But they’re not quite what they seem )

Music/title: Uma Thurman; Fall Out Boy
_ _


“It’s just like watching porn.. She would never *leave* me for it.”

. .. . . .


The desire is there, burning underneath my skin. 
I can feel it every moment I’m around another girl.  I so desperately want to reach out and touch them.. To press my body tightly against theirs, sinking my teeth deep into their soft flesh.  I want to feel their mouth moving across my skin until it absolutely suffocates me.

I want. I want. I want….


..If only these things were as easy as they used to be.


/ / /


Bury me till I confess…

An isle of flightless birds.. I am cold, can you hear? ( And the ground, it taunts my wings.. )

Music/title: Isle of Flightless Birds; Twenty One Pilots
_ _
I am slowly discovering just how deep this all goes.
I see my own self destruction lacing every fiber that I am,
and it scares the ever living out of me.
[ Happiness equals vulnerability..
It’s comfortable to feel worthless…
I am slowly discovering I am capable of so much more.
I see myself accepting things that feel good,
and it scares the ever living out of me.
.. .. . ..
“Now is the climax to the story-
And he is waiting, oh so patiently..”


07.21.12 [207] And I will leave you in the springtime. Send your letters to Colorado …Where I’ll be.

Music/title: Where I’ll Be; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
_ _
I’d like to date someone who has actual parents. I’d like to adopt them as my own and finally be able to have that ‘good daughter’ feeling in my life.
Most of the time not having parents or a real family doesn’t bother me. But sometimes …Sometimes it’s like a mild crushing weight is put on my chest when I’m reminded I’m without this. Sometimes I just want a parent to see what I’ve done and say, “I’m proud of you, Bettina.”
Sometimes I hate people with real families because of this..

05.19.12 [144] There’s blood on the good book, love in the bad brook. Suck out all the nerve and make it yours!

Music/title: An Orgy Of Critics; Say Anything
_ _
I saw Warren yesterday. We talked for a bit, and, from what I can tell, he’s not at all ready to be friends with me right now. Which is fine with me. He’s too quick to judge, and would completely freak out with the relationships I’m involved in right now.
I felt like more of adult than I ever have talking to him. About work, my friendships, and just general life. I felt confident. and attractive. and knew I was fine without him. I’m fine without anyone right now.
I’ve always been so dependent on people to be happy with myself. This is a completely new and wonderful thing for me. And it’s fucking fantastic.
I feel the urge to shred my clothes off. Monday can’t get here fast enough.
And here we go again…
/ / /
The colors here. ♥

05.17.12 [142] I dream of anger, sex, unnurtured- I succeed. But still.. Oh, Oh. I didn’t know, I didn’t know.

Music/title: Slumming It With Johnny; Say Anything
_ _
This is an outtake from Saturday. This week has felt longer than any I can remember. Fucking wonderful, though. (I really can’t express that enough.) I think I’m going to spend Monday night at Ross’s place again. Who’s this Ross guy, you ask? Ah, well.. he would be the lovely Jenny’s doing, of course.
He’s helping me on the road to becoming a whole person. He’s showing me that I don’t need to feel bad for wanting all these things I’ve been hiding and keeping from myself. He’s putting me in my place, and I’ve never felt so happy and fulfilled with something in my life. What was I doing fooling around with vanilla boys; trying for something I knew would never be enough?
I’m finally comfortable in my own skin.
And I won’t settle for anything less than this.