Remember last year when you told me, to always stay here and never leave me.. (The light from your eyes made it feel like we-e-e-e were dancing in the moonlight)


Music/title: Moonlight; Grace Vanderwaal
_ _

 

“These will be a life long stories.”

. . …

 

Four days and counting.
If you could see me now..

My life- In boxes again.
But this time I am making a home for myself.
I am creating everything that you took from me.

I am in control.

 

And you won’t ever take it from me again.
 

Black Beatles in the city, be back immediately- Sent flowers, but you said you didn’t receive them.. (Said you didn’t need them)


Music/title: Black Beatles; Our Last Night
_ _

 

“There is nothing to explain.”

. . …
 

Only two more weeks until I hit refresh on this life.

Sometimes I wish I had parents to see how far I’ve progressed.
And it’s time like these that I miss her. Or the idea of her, at least.

I wonder if she’s sane enough to feel regret.

 

I wonder if I truly care anymore.
 

Daddy, I don’t wanna grow up anyway- Grown ups are all sad… (Doesn’t matter where I come from anyway)


Music/title: #Grownupz; FEiN
_ _

 

“I’ll grow up and get sad.”

. …. .

 

If only I’d known…
 

I think of where I’ve come, and what I’ve done in my life-
As a child others would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I imagine most children aspire to make a difference; a change in the world.

Not me.

All I saw in my life was the horror of being locked in that house.
No friends. No family. No escape.
I would think, ‘Why would I want these complicated things they desire?’
For me, the common dreams were beyond grasp.
But, more than that-
I didn’t feel the hunger for them.

What did I want out of my life?
What were my dreams?

.

[ I suppose..
…Someone to love me. Someone *I* can love!
Someone that won’t hurt me the way everyone else does.. And… A home.

Something the complete opposite of now!
A place of my own to spend time with the person I love..
]

Almost two decades later…
People ask me if I’m excited to be purchasing my first home..

 

If only they knew.

/ / /

 
It keeps me jump jump jumpin’ and-ah..

She said, “Drink that love don’t demand it. ‘Cause baby I can’t stand it when you look so pathetic…”


Music/title: Young Robot; Dance Gavin Dance
_ _

 

“Feeling like a savage,
You know I gotta have it.”

. ..

 

I thought I would enjoy firing her.
It was so justified, you know?

But here I am.
Drinking with Dance Gavin Dance.. Reminiscing in 2013.

What am I doing?

*sigh*

 

Two more months.
I can keep it together for two more months. ..Right?

/ / /

 
It’s been long time coming..

My life, my love, my drive, it came from… Pain! (You made me a, you made me a believer, believer)


Music/title: Believer; Imagine Dragons
_ _

 

“Don’t you tell me what you think that I can be.”

… . .

 

Again.
and Again. and Again.
It’s what you want, right?
Your goals quickly coming to an end.

Who will you be now?
What will inflict the pain you so desire?

. . 

“You made me a,
You made me a believer.”

/ / /

 
Never ending shifting.
The changes are so frequent lately I can’t keep up.
But we’re happy if we’re not paying too close attention to the detail, right?

Happy…

 

Yes.
I do believe I am.

I fell in love at the open houses, I felt a little bit broken ’bout it. And now I know- You know I’ll follow you but.. (Where do we go from here?)

01-21-17-10
Music/title: Where Do We Go From Here?; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“Cause I saw the good and the bad in me,
But never which one I should be.”

. . .. ….. .

 

Is it real this time?
Am I finally reaching the surface?

A home.
A true home.
It all happened so fast- I was so against it, and then… It clicked; Everything fell into place. And now I can’t imagine anything else. My resolve deteriorates as we speak; My heart beating faster at the idea…

Do you know what this means to me?

No more boxes.
No more unsettled tendencies.

 

[ Does this mean I will finally feel complete? ]

.

No, love.
There is no such thing as complete.
Don’t you see?
We are never done,
But.. We are fulfilled.
We are happy,
and happier upon losing the unhappiness.
Don’t you see..?

.
 

[ Da, We are to survive.
And this is just the beginning… ]

I can taste it on my tongue, but I couldn’t keep it all in my grasp… (How can I hope to ever find you now?)

01-02-17
Music/title: Ghost; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“I can’t look away,
but I don’t wanna meet your eyes.”

.. . . …. .

 

Do you see me making an effort?
I’m trying, really. I truly am.
But it’s hard. My thoughts are pressing against all the happiness I feel.
Why am I so sad lately?
…Not depressed sadness, but a feeling of longing. An overwhelming, consistent wave of emotions.
Is this my body trying to tell me it’s time? Have I waited too long?

.

Your skin is never close enough to mine. ..why am I this unsettled?
You are there.
Everyday, you are there for me. …Yet,
I still don’t know what I need.

I think this is all part of my sickness.
The reason I was ever so afraid to love you-

 
So afraid of the possible effects,
that I’m caught in the endless cycle of hurting myself….

 

…How can I hope to be where you are?

/ / /

 
And I’m holding out my hand to you…

I’m sick of words that hang above my head- What about the kid? (It’s time the kid got FREE)

01-13-17-0
Music/title: Sleepless Club (WEKEED Boot); Lorde vs Flume
_ _

 

Take the pill, make it too real.
The other day I forgot my old address. I’m sitting pretty on the throne.
There’s nothing more I want, except to be alone..

. . ….. … ..

 

“There was no real sense of life,
because she had nothing to contrast it with.
The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly.
The farther you run, the more God wants you back.

Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved.”

~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

 

/ / /

 

It’s a day for words and curves.
Where do you see yourself at the end of your life?

Comment for me.