Music/title: Freaky Love; Captain Kidd
Recurring Siamese dream-
Illuminate hallucinations burnt into the back of your mind..”
. . .. .
I see the remnants of the fire, but where is the spark?
The slow down is building.
The desire is fueling,
But I can’t seem to ignite.
“And what I need
Is your body
(Your freaky love)”
Music/title: We Are Invincible; From Indian Lakes
“But I’m still so terrified…”
. .. . . ..
[ I feel guilty when I do. ]
[ Because I feel like it’s cheating. ]
“You could without it, you know… You just have to relax.”
[ …But I can’t. ]
. .. .. .
Don’t you think I try?
Don’t you think I want to?
I wonder if you’d feel the same if I asked every time.
…Isn’t it always the pleasurable things that end up hurting the most?
Music/title: Heavydirtysoul; Twenty One Pilots
Isn’t it always this way?
. .. . ..
Most of the time it blends together.
Each session running into the next- But this… This time..
God, to be in that moment again..
Your nails digging unforgivingly into my hips,
My own body completely crushed beneath the weight of you-
Convulsion, after convulsion, after convulsion,
It’s always this way..
And I am never more complete, when completely without control.
/ / /
Oh, oh, I’m falling..
Music/title: Uma Thurman; Fall Out Boy
“It’s just like watching porn.. She would never *leave* me for it.”
. .. . . .
The desire is there, burning underneath my skin.
I can feel it every moment I’m around another girl. I so desperately want to reach out and touch them.. To press my body tightly against theirs, sinking my teeth deep into their soft flesh. I want to feel their mouth moving across my skin until it absolutely suffocates me.
I want. I want. I want….
..If only these things were as easy as they used to be.
/ / /
Bury me till I confess…
Music/title: Riptide; Vance Joy
“I miss you all day. Even if things were to stay like this forever, I would be okay
as long as you are there with me. Every day I see you gives me a feeling of being lifted up.
I can’t even imagine one day without seeing you.”
. .. . . . .
I can feel my skin crawling with anticipation when he’s away from me. Lately all I feel is this restless need for him. Need for his skin. Need for his touch, presence… His everything. I want to drown myself in everything he has to offer, and it overwhelms me.
It doesn’t matter how many hours we spend together, or how often I demand he bury himself inside of me. …The need is still there. It never used to feel this way. It was never this constant...
I just want to feel fulfilled. Just for a few hours.
/ / /
[ ..But do you really want it to stop? ]
Music/title: Mining For Diamonds // Beach Binaural Beatbox Version; THePETEBOX w/Swimming
Sex has always been a way to feel used-
An escape for the other, darker side of me.
An accepted form of self destruction.
Even when it seems ‘normal’ on the outside, inside I’m really turning everything that’s happening against me. I’m imagining their hands are touching me only because they want to- Because they can, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I imagine being a slave to the person.. Used whenever they need.
I imagine rape..
. .. . ……
“I think you’re changing a bit, Bettina.”
[ Oh? ]
“Yeah. Not drastically, but a bit..
We just had sex in a way that people ‘make love’
…And you enjoyed it.”
[ ::wells up with tears:: …I didn’t realize- I’ve never done that..
. …. ..
I think I just let myself feel happy, Arden.. ]
/ / /
Thank you for making me feel something I thought was next to impossible to feel in my life.
Music/title: Fool; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
Tomorrow. I’m telling her tomorrow. ::breathes deep:: It’s just a girl. I shouldn’t be this nervous. On the other hand, the last time I told a girl I loved her it ended a friendship.
Not this time. I refuse.
besides. it’s just love. i’m not *in* love, right? ..right? Right.
/ / /
The morning after I decide to say fuck it. Let the chips fall where they may. Let’s fuck who I like, because I like to. Naked, exposed, and, yet, keeping my heart intact.
Here I am.