Music/title: Heavydirtysoul; Twenty One Pilots
Isn’t it always this way?
. .. . ..
Most of the time it blends together.
Each session running into the next- But this… This time..
God, to be in that moment again..
Your nails digging unforgivingly into my hips,
My own body completely crushed beneath the weight of you-
Convulsion, after convulsion, after convulsion,
It’s always this way..
And I am never more complete, when completely without control.
/ / /
Oh, oh, I’m falling..
Music/title: We Follow; From Indian Lakes
“I don’t know anything at all…”
. … ..
Here I am–
Still finding myself consumed by them, my own treacherous thoughts..
But there you are- Holding me firmly; comforting every single fiber of my being..
“At the end of the day… I have you.”
My Dear Love,
I want to be broken.
I want you to take me apart.
I want to feel the pieces shift, relentlessly shattering to the floor.
I want to be consumed by my own insignificance-
To have you build everything back as it was.. Only better than before.
Oh, my Dear Sir,
Break me yet again. ….for I need to feel complete.
Music/title: Down The Line; Jose Gonzalez
“Don’t let the darkness eat you up.”
. .. . . ..
It’s only going to get worse before it gets better…
They know it. He knows it.
And so do you.
How’s that standing your ground working out, love?
/ / /
But don’t wash the dirt off of your hands…
Music/title: Schoolboy; Grouplove
There are so many firsts with you.
I feel like I’ve never been in a relationship before.
I feel like I’ve never kissed or touched another person.
Everything is so different. And even though the darkness inside me is still crawling to the surface, I see you. I see you still understanding every inch of me. I see you wanting to hold me and tell me you love me just before pushing me to the ground.
I feel sorry and sad for myself for still feeling these things, after all you’ve done and all I’ve accomplished in my life. And maybe it’ll never go away. Maybe it’s a part of me. Maybe it’s all that’s left of my childhood. But I think it’s okay…
Because you’re there.
Because you make it hurt less.
Because you are the only reason I’ve ever been able to keep in wanting my happiness.
. .. . . .
Maybe it’s not so sad after all.
Music/title: Evening On The Ground (Lilith’s Song); Iron & Wine
You know that feeling when you do something wrong and you don’t get caught?
[ Yes. ]
Well, you know how you have to keep doing something
wrong until you get caught to make that feeling go away?
[ Yes. ]
That’s where she lives.
She needs to fail..
.. . .. .
Possibly the most simple, yet beautiful explanation of my submission I’ve yet to hear from anyone.
/ / /
I feel desperate.
I feel angry- full of rage and hate.
And I’m not sure what to think of myself at this point anymore..
Music/title: Currents Convulsive; Pierce the Veil
I was going to post this Sunday morning. I was going to say this pair of underwear started everything that happened over the course of this weekend. But I know better.
Sometimes we have to break ourselves entirely to build back up to where we need to be.
I needed this more than either of us had even begun to realize.
Now everything feels as though it has been put back in place.
I feel at home again, and I wonder how I ever got as far away as I did..
/ / /
Awake for over 30 hours when I’d taken this.
It fit perfectly, and, if I’d had more time, I would’ve posted then.
Music/title: Changes (Shlohmo Remix); LOL Boys
“I have these feelings for you,” He says as he runs a hand down my arched back and perfectly displayed ass. “..Some might call them love.” He grips my ass tightly; admiring his property.
“I have feelings for you that some might call love as well, Sir.” I tighten my position. I want to turn to him, to ask him to hurt me …that I desperately want to hurt for him. This is the only way I can think to show him how much I love and trust him.
I would’ve let him destroy me right in that moment. I would’ve gladly let him break me until I didn’t recognize myself as a person anymore. I don’t know if it was my love for him, or my complete devotion as a slave that felt such a pull to give myself to him. But, my god, how I’ve missed being this..
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we’re free to do anything.”
/ / /
He finally said it. Later, after everything else… “I do love you.”
And he said it again the next day, and the next..
Music/title: Love Dog; TV On the Radio
I want to feel naked. exposed. and helpless.
I want to be beaten. degraded. Made to feel worthless.
I know these aren’t normal things, but they’re constant struggles for me. I’m angry at my mother, but I can’t talk to her. I can’t yell at her. Or hit her. So here I am. Needing to be put in my place once again.
I’m not really sure how I’ve worked myself into this mood so quickly.
But my thoughts are consuming me.
Music/title: Soldier; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
I just can’t wrap my brain around this. I’m fighting with myself in my head again. That’s what I get for too much free time added to my life. I go over and over everything. Analyzing it. Toying with one idea after another. Why do I do this, and why I do that. Oh, it’s all because of “X.”
Why must I always feel like every action needs to be accepted? And when is it enough? A single person’s acceptance surely isn’t enough to make me content.
I am happy. I like myself right now. Really, I do. ..but goddammit if I don’t want to spend every waking moment submerged in submission. No fear of being rejected. Always knowing when I’ve done something right or wrong.
I need a break. I need a very, very long break from the real world.
Music/title: Cotton Heads; Caravan Palace
I’ve never really dated anyone the normal way. You meet. You go somewhere you both decided was acceptable. You spend time together. And then you go home. I s’pose what I’m doing with Ross would count.. ? Except I’m also semi-dating a girl. And we decided removal of all clothes was necessary towards the end of the date. … Yes. I would say that still counts.
Though, we’re not dating. Or at least, I don’t think we are.
A few more weeks, I think. Then maybe I’ll bring it up.
In the meantime, I’m enjoying becoming friends with him just as much as I am the submission. There’s just some great level of comfort for me in spending time with someone that so well understands what I went through as a kid. I feel almost normal around him.