05.23.15 [35/52] Can you save, Can you save my… Can you save my heavy dirty soul? (For me, for me, oh)


Music/title: Heavydirtysoul; Twenty One Pilots
_ _

 

Isn’t it always this way?

. .. . ..

 

Most of the time it blends together.
Each session running into the next- But this… This time..
God, to be in that moment again..

Your nails digging unforgivingly into my hips,
My own body completely crushed beneath the weight of you-
Convulsion, after convulsion, after convulsion,
It’s always this way..

 

And I am never more complete, when completely without control.

 
/ / /

 
Oh, oh, I’m falling..

I took them down, I broke down every thought as if they were mine…

04.04.15 -2
Music/title: We Follow; From Indian Lakes
_ _

 

“I don’t know anything at all…”

. … ..

 

Here I am
Still finding myself consumed by them, my own treacherous thoughts..
But there you are- Holding me firmly; comforting every single fiber of my being..

“At the end of the day… I have you.”

.. …

My Dear Love,

I want to be broken.
I want you to take me apart.
I want to feel the pieces shift, relentlessly shattering to the floor.
I want to be consumed by my own insignificance-

To have you build everything back as it was.. Only better than before.

.. ….
 
Oh, my Dear Sir,

 
Break me yet again. ….for I need to feel complete.

 

Make me up, Make me up- Oh, this is how you remember me..

03.23.14
 
Music/title: Schoolboy; Grouplove
_ _
 
 
There are so many firsts with you.
I feel like I’ve never been in a relationship before.
I feel like I’ve never kissed or touched another person.
 
Everything is so different. And even though the darkness inside me is still crawling to the surface, I see you. I see you still understanding every inch of me. I see you wanting to hold me and tell me you love me just before pushing me to the ground.
 
I feel sorry and sad for myself for still feeling these things, after all you’ve done and all I’ve accomplished in my life. And maybe it’ll never go away. Maybe it’s a part of me. Maybe it’s all that’s left of my childhood. But I think it’s okay…
 
Because you’re there.
Because you make it hurt less.
Because you are the only reason I’ve ever been able to keep in wanting my happiness.
 
. .. . . .
 
 
Maybe it’s not so sad after all.

06.29.13 [003] And all your love as we were; we were born to fuck each other. One way or another… (but I’ll only lie)

06.29.13
 
Music/title: Evening On The Ground (Lilith’s Song); Iron & Wine
_ _
 
 
You know that feeling when you do something wrong and you don’t get caught?
 
[ Yes. ]
 
Well, you know how you have to keep doing something
wrong until you get caught to make that feeling go away?
 
[ Yes. ]
 
That’s where she lives.
She needs to fail..
 
.. . .. .
 
 
Possibly the most simple, yet beautiful explanation of my submission I’ve yet to hear from anyone.
 
/ / /
 
 
Today….
I feel desperate.
I feel angry- full of rage and hate.
 
And I’m not sure what to think of myself at this point anymore..
 

Oh, my sweet little girl.. Hold your mouth and you’ll be alright.

06.16.13
 
Music/title: Currents Convulsive; Pierce the Veil
_ _
 
 
I was going to post this Sunday morning. I was going to say this pair of underwear started everything that happened over the course of this weekend. But I know better.
 
Sometimes we have to break ourselves entirely to build back up to where we need to be.
I needed this more than either of us had even begun to realize.
 
Now everything feels as though it has been put back in place.
I feel at home again, and I wonder how I ever got as far away as I did..
 
 
/ / /
 
 
Awake for over 30 hours when I’d taken this.
It fit perfectly, and, if I’d had more time, I would’ve posted then.
 

08.22.12 [239] Things won’t change until we do.

08.22.12

 
Music/title: Changes (Shlohmo Remix); LOL Boys
_ _
 
 
“I have these feelings for you,” He says as he runs a hand down my arched back and perfectly displayed ass. “..Some might call them love.” He grips my ass tightly; admiring his property.
 
“I have feelings for you that some might call love as well, Sir.” I tighten my position. I want to turn to him, to ask him to hurt me …that I desperately want to hurt for him. This is the only way I can think to show him how much I love and trust him.
 
I would’ve let him destroy me right in that moment. I would’ve gladly let him break me until I didn’t recognize myself as a person anymore. I don’t know if it was my love for him, or my complete devotion as a slave that felt such a pull to give myself to him. But, my god, how I’ve missed being this..
 
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we’re free to do anything.”
 
 
/ / /
 
He finally said it. Later, after everything else… “I do love you.”
And he said it again the next day, and the next..
 

05.26.12 [151] Where the land is low, is where the bones will show through. Nameless you above me, come lay me low and love me.

05.26.12
 
Music/title: Love Dog; TV On the Radio
_ _
 
 
I want to feel naked. exposed. and helpless.
I want to be beaten. degraded. Made to feel worthless.
 
I know these aren’t normal things, but they’re constant struggles for me. I’m angry at my mother, but I can’t talk to her. I can’t yell at her. Or hit her. So here I am. Needing to be put in my place once again.
 
I’m not really sure how I’ve worked myself into this mood so quickly.
 
 
But my thoughts are consuming me.
 

And as I walk by them they scream and they’re snarling…

05.23.12 -1
 
Music/title: Soldier; Danielle Ate the Sandwich
_ _
 
 
I just can’t wrap my brain around this. I’m fighting with myself in my head again. That’s what I get for too much free time added to my life. I go over and over everything. Analyzing it. Toying with one idea after another. Why do I do this, and why I do that. Oh, it’s all because of “X.”
 
Why must I always feel like every action needs to be accepted? And when is it enough? A single person’s acceptance surely isn’t enough to make me content.
 
I am happy. I like myself right now. Really, I do. ..but goddammit if I don’t want to spend every waking moment submerged in submission. No fear of being rejected. Always knowing when I’ve done something right or wrong.
 
 
I need a break. I need a very, very long break from the real world.
 
::sighs::
 

05.22.12 [147] I want to get away from it all.

05.22.12
 
Music/title: Cotton Heads; Caravan Palace
_ _
 
 
I’ve never really dated anyone the normal way. You meet. You go somewhere you both decided was acceptable. You spend time together. And then you go home. I s’pose what I’m doing with Ross would count.. ? Except I’m also semi-dating a girl. And we decided removal of all clothes was necessary towards the end of the date. … Yes. I would say that still counts.
 
Though, we’re not dating. Or at least, I don’t think we are.
A few more weeks, I think. Then maybe I’ll bring it up.
 
In the meantime, I’m enjoying becoming friends with him just as much as I am the submission. There’s just some great level of comfort for me in spending time with someone that so well understands what I went through as a kid. I feel almost normal around him.
 
It’s nice.