Because we won’t back down; we won’t run and hide.. ‘Cause these are the things that we can’t deny.

07.09.13
 
Music/title: Satellite; Rise Against
_ _
 
 
“I miss the ever living out of you.. You make me more happy than anything else on this planet. From the day I first met you I wanted you to be as happy with *you* as I am with you. And I want to be together with you for as long as I can. I never want to say goodbye and don’t think I ever did want to, nor will I ever.
 
And you’re right, this isn’t perfect. It feels so much better than that. We have found the person that brings out our darkness and at same time calms it. And I still don’t 100% understand it all. I just know that I want this. And while I would have moved heaven and earth to get it a year ago.. Now it’s just happening. And it is falling into place like it has been there all along.”

 
 
/ / /
 
Ross moved out.
These are sitting by my front door.
The apartment feels empty, but right at the same time.
I feel like I’d been needing this for many reasons.
 
I was falling in love with my best friend.
I was confused with all of my emotions, and I’m sorry I couldn’t figure it out sooner.

(Ho!) I don’t think you’re right for him.. (Hey!) Look at what it might have been if you..

06.28.13
 
Music/title: Ho Hey; The Lumineers
_ _
 
 
It was almost fitting. The tree.. the rain.. All of it just fit so perfectly for the moment.
Sometimes I feel like even the bad moments need to be memorable..
 
 
Is that a bad thing?
 
/ / /
 
 
I broke up with Ross yesterday. We took each others hands and walked up to this tree.
We let everything spill out, as though the tree was somehow listening.
 
I knew it would be chopped to pieces tomorrow, as would we.
 
 
It was fitting.
 

09.24.12 [272] And you’d hold me. I’d remind you who you are… Under their shell..

09.24.12
 
Music/title: A Walk Through Hell; Say Anything
_ _
 
 
I used to say I wanted to live a pointless, meaningless life.
 
“Life may be pointless, but it’s not meaningless.
..life is definitely not meaningless.”

 
*stares out at the lake*
I kinda want to throw a rock out there..
-to say I changed something.
 
*digs rock out of bench*
“..Here.” *smiles*

 
 
/ / /
 
&& we watched as all the ripples changed just for us. ♥
 

08.22.12 [239] Things won’t change until we do.

08.22.12

 
Music/title: Changes (Shlohmo Remix); LOL Boys
_ _
 
 
“I have these feelings for you,” He says as he runs a hand down my arched back and perfectly displayed ass. “..Some might call them love.” He grips my ass tightly; admiring his property.
 
“I have feelings for you that some might call love as well, Sir.” I tighten my position. I want to turn to him, to ask him to hurt me …that I desperately want to hurt for him. This is the only way I can think to show him how much I love and trust him.
 
I would’ve let him destroy me right in that moment. I would’ve gladly let him break me until I didn’t recognize myself as a person anymore. I don’t know if it was my love for him, or my complete devotion as a slave that felt such a pull to give myself to him. But, my god, how I’ve missed being this..
 
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we’re free to do anything.”
 
 
/ / /
 
He finally said it. Later, after everything else… “I do love you.”
And he said it again the next day, and the next..
 

05.23.12 [148] Whatcha doing standing there shaking like that? Ahh, well the boys are gonna tell ya what to do. Listen:

05.23.12
 
Music/title: Dramophone; Caravan Palace
_ _
 
 
I’ve been doing nothing but listening to Caravan Palace and thinking all day. About anything and everything that’s been on my mind lately. I think I’m going to tell Jenny I love her. I’m not in love with her, but I definitely love her. She’s officially “my person” as of today. I put it into words and everything, even though I’m sure we’ve both known for months now. ::smiles:: She says I’m mostly adorable, and that what’s not adorable is made up of cute. I miss her. She’ll be at the world steam expo all this weekend. I can feel withdrawals coming on already.
 
The idea of my mother has been bothering me recently. Or at least she’s been on my mind, which is just bothersome in and of itself. I think of her, and I get angry, and after a certain period of time thinking about this I just get the urge to hurt. To be hurt. Like I deserve it. It frustrates me that she’s still making me feel this way despite our complete lack of contact. The fact that she’s alive just eats away at me.
 
Ross says it’ll probably be something that I’ll spend most of my life getting over. And then, someday, something will happen. Or something will be said by someone. It could be the tiniest of things, but that that’ll be it. Suddenly I just …won’t care anymore.
 
I’d love not to care about her. And we’re back to Shortbus:
 
 
“It’s hard not to feel anything in your life.”
 

05.22.12 [147] I want to get away from it all.

05.22.12
 
Music/title: Cotton Heads; Caravan Palace
_ _
 
 
I’ve never really dated anyone the normal way. You meet. You go somewhere you both decided was acceptable. You spend time together. And then you go home. I s’pose what I’m doing with Ross would count.. ? Except I’m also semi-dating a girl. And we decided removal of all clothes was necessary towards the end of the date. … Yes. I would say that still counts.
 
Though, we’re not dating. Or at least, I don’t think we are.
A few more weeks, I think. Then maybe I’ll bring it up.
 
In the meantime, I’m enjoying becoming friends with him just as much as I am the submission. There’s just some great level of comfort for me in spending time with someone that so well understands what I went through as a kid. I feel almost normal around him.
 
It’s nice.
 

05.17.12 [142] I dream of anger, sex, unnurtured- I succeed. But still.. Oh, Oh. I didn’t know, I didn’t know.

05.17.12
 
Music/title: Slumming It With Johnny; Say Anything
_ _
 
 
This is an outtake from Saturday. This week has felt longer than any I can remember. Fucking wonderful, though. (I really can’t express that enough.) I think I’m going to spend Monday night at Ross’s place again. Who’s this Ross guy, you ask? Ah, well.. he would be the lovely Jenny’s doing, of course.
 
He’s helping me on the road to becoming a whole person. He’s showing me that I don’t need to feel bad for wanting all these things I’ve been hiding and keeping from myself. He’s putting me in my place, and I’ve never felt so happy and fulfilled with something in my life. What was I doing fooling around with vanilla boys; trying for something I knew would never be enough?
 
 
I’m finally comfortable in my own skin.
And I won’t settle for anything less than this.