I fell in love at the open houses, I felt a little bit broken ’bout it. And now I know- You know I’ll follow you but.. (Where do we go from here?)

01-21-17-10
Music/title: Where Do We Go From Here?; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“Cause I saw the good and the bad in me,
But never which one I should be.”

. . .. ….. .

 

Is it real this time?
Am I finally reaching the surface?

A home.
A true home.
It all happened so fast- I was so against it, and then… It clicked; Everything fell into place. And now I can’t imagine anything else. My resolve deteriorates as we speak; My heart beating faster at the idea…

Do you know what this means to me?

No more boxes.
No more unsettled tendencies.

 

[ Does this mean I will finally feel complete? ]

.

No, love.
There is no such thing as complete.
Don’t you see?
We are never done,
But.. We are fulfilled.
We are happy,
and happier upon losing the unhappiness.
Don’t you see..?

.
 

[ Da, We are to survive.
And this is just the beginning… ]

Oh, these soft legged girls, and hard faced boys…. (Do you wish to feel complete?)

01-21-17-0
Music/title: We Are The Sound; Alexisonfire
_ _

 

“Say you want it, you need it.”

. ..

 
If only my heart could harden to match yours.

Perhaps you saw the coldness inside of me first-
Why do I feel such a compulsion to watch you at your best?

Perhaps I am still trying to outdo the darkness living inside..
Something to truly brings me to my knees.

. .

Isn’t that all I ever want?
To serve?
To be your slave?

Through sickness,
Through their death.

. . 
 

I don’t know who I am anymore.

/ / /

 
There is nothing but anger burning inside of me..

[02/05] ‘Cause you were high school, and I was just more like real life.. (And you were okay, okay)

06.09.16 -1
Music/title: Father; The Front Bottoms
_ _

 

“I’ll do the pushups,
I’ll wear the makeup.”

.. .. …
 

It feels almost as if I’ve misplaced the entire door to my home-
Left wandering aimlessly with keys in hand.

It’s coming back.
Slowly, but surely…

 

..I’m finding the door to myself again.

/ / /

 
I’ll do whatever he wants all night.

‘Cause nobody knows it better, than the girl in the corner with the scarlet letter…

02.27.16 -0

Music/title: Say My Name (feat. Zyra); ODESZA
_ _

 

“So take a chance,
Take a chance.”

.. … .

 

Stop.  Rewind.  And reorder everything.
 

Is this not all you ever thought it would be?
This beautiful life you’ve created.
The world everyone envies….
 

Is it enough?

[ Has it ever really been so? ]

 

Now:
Let’s escape these all encompassing thoughts;
Keep them from slowly, surely dissecting from the inside out.

You think you want to preserve this life?

 

 

Oh, my dear love,
You’ve never wanted to preserve anything….

 

09.19.15 [52/52] My heart is my armor- She’s the tear in my heart, she’s a carver. She’s a butcher with a smile, cut me farther… (Than I’ve ever been)

09.19.15
Music/title: Tear In My Heart; Twenty One Pilots
_ _

Dear Arden,


You once told me that you wanted to make me happier
than anything else on this planet. 
You said that from the day we met,
you wanted me to be as happy with *myself* as you are with me.
And maybe that’s what I’ve actually been searching for…
Not someone to fill this persistent void I hold inside, but, instead..
Someone to encourage me in accepting it.

You are what drives me-
What pulls me to keep demanding more from life.

And you are the *only* reason I’ve ever been able to keep
in wanting my own happiness…

I love you, Arden.. More than anything else.
You don’t have to fight for me for anymore,
Because I’m here. And I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with you,
My best friend.

 

::breathes deep::   …And here we go.

 
I’ll see you all in a month…  ;]

 

 

06.27.15 [40/52] I’m dying to feel again.. (Anything at all) But- Oh, I feel nothin’, nothin’, nothin’ (…Nothing at all)

06.23.15
Music/title: Gold; Imagine Dragons
_ _


“But now you can’t tell the false from the real..”

 

.. . ..

 

He looked at me the same way I looked at him..
Like he wanted to stop everything, and immerse himself in my world- To get away from normalcy and routine
His eyes felt hollow as he stared down at me ..As if trapped within his own personal sinking boat.

I know he was speaking to me.   And I could hear the words..
But all I could think was, God… I want to save to him. 
I want to tell him that there is more to life than what you’re given.  That it does get better-
That the harder you push, the more you get.  That your life does NOT define you!
That you are not “Imagine Dragons-“  You are not this person that the world has made you out to be..
You are the boy that grew up with dreams bigger than the shoes life had predetermined him to fill.

That maybe-Maybe that void you feel deep inside the pit of your stomach was never meant to be filled.
That I know it’s exhausting, and that it hurts to feel so empty in a world that is so clearly full
and at our constant disposal… But what if our void is supposed to be there? 
What if we are never meant to be complete?

 
Maybe that void we all feel is what actually drives us-
What is supposed to push us to constantly demand more from life.
Maybe your void is like my void…

 

 

And maybe we’re not so different after all.

 
/ / /

 
I’ve never seen this side of you..

I’ve let me down, down, down, down…. (Oh let me have release)

03.14.15 -19
Music/title: Release; Imagine Dragons
_ _

 

You’ve always thought so…
But what if this isn’t the right solution- What if it doesn’t ‘fix’ anything?
[ What if nothing ever fixes it... ]

Then what will you do?
[ If you never feel complete; if nothing is ever finished.. ]
If you put everything you have into this part of life,
And you’re left with less than before– You think you have all the right answers?

 

…We’re about to find out.