Look around, look around.. There’s no affection, only infection. ( Can I depend on you to surrender? )

05.17.14 -5

Music/title: We Are The End; Alexisonfire
_ _

 

You were too successful in the tasks we gave you.
We weren’t expecting these kinds of results.

What’s that? ..Had you done more poorly?
Oh. Well, you’d be paid more and having to work about half as hard.

. . .. .

 

You should really stop that overachieving thing.
It’s kind of getting in the way.

 

/ / /

 

Losing over twenty grand in one day is a bit much, even for me.
Being mad doesn’t even really begin to cut this…

So put on your best suit and tie, I’ll put on my best dress to fake being accomplished… ( Then we’ll know we are grown )

05.17.14 -9

Music/title: Put On; Danielle Ate the Sandwich

_ _

Chapter 1 [?]

 

Does my name really matter?
How does a name define a person anyway?

My mother told me she choose my name because she read it in a book. She said the heroine in the story was strong in her life, and that she wanted the same for me- To be strong. Little did she know how much I would actually need it.

 

My mother. Now there’s a character to be had.

She was strong. One of the strongest people I think I’ve yet to meet. And, my god, I swear she knew a little bit about everything in life. You name it, and she’d done it or tried it. If not that, then she damn well knew how to figure it out. I wanted to be everything she was when I was younger- To know how to, so easily, do everything that was thrown my way. She was good at ‘life things,’ as I called it. And I envied her.

As for me, I suppose I’m something to be had myself. Alright, I am something… God, even now it’s hard to display myself on the proper shelf. Maybe by the end of this, eh?

Heh. ‘The end.

I’ve never focused much on that, you see. I’ve always had to take one day at a time. Because every day was different. Because every morning life threw something different on my plate and said, “This is what you’re dealt. Deal with it.

It’s only now that I’m starting to realize I don’t need to view life that way anymore. It’s no longer a matter of life and death, but, instead, of happiness and fulfillment. Arden is slowly showing me that.

Oh, Arden. The man is everything to me. Absolutely fucking everything.

But this?
This isn’t about him.

 

This is about everything before that.

Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here…

04.27.14 -4

Music/title: Hayling; FC/Kahuna
_ _

 

They stuck the needle in my mouth, and it was like every dream I’d ever had…

The fear of my own teeth consumed me.  It barely hurt, but I could feel myself silently screaming.  My own phobia was now a living part of me.  But I didn’t say a word.  I barely winced, because it was something that had to be done.  There wasn’t a choice in anything here..
 

Seven hours later I’m in my car crying.  Half numb from the medication, half from fear of my own mouth.  I couldn’t get the images out of my head… These irrational mental pictures of how terrifying it all felt, and the vivid pictures of everything they’d done flashing back and forth- My mind stuck in this endless loop.
A part of me hated my mother in that moment.
 

I wouldn’t need this if you hadn’t been so fucked..

 
Now, my fear moving to anger and hatred.. Now I felt the urge to yell at her again- To beat the ever living out of her..  I try to tell myself that it wouldn’t have mattered, that I was always scared of this, even when she was ‘normal’.. You were stubborn, Bettina.  You never would have gone anyway..
But it’s useless..  It’s all still useless.
 

 
I’m trapped in this box for weeks..