Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, you’re saturating me…. (But I’m so comfortable)

Music/title: Undertow; Tool
_ _

“How could I let this bring me,
back to my knees?”

. .. …

Half the year spent trying not to die-
the other half desperately remembering how to live..

I’d love to promise you more.
To promise the new.
The inspiring.
The oh so illusive happiness.
Can’t you see me trying?


Here’s to hoping everything current stays in this past…

01.10.15 [16/52] And the circling is worth it; finding beauty in the dissonance…

Music/title: Schism; Tool
_ _


“I know the pieces fit.”

. .. . .


I think a person shouldn’t make me want to believe in a God; To believe in an afterlife..
But here we are..  Here I am.

I tell him I want to die first.  That I’m too scared of being alone.
I tell him I would be immortal with him- Immortal in a world where all I used to crave was death.
I tell him if he dies tomorrow, I would never love another the way I love him.
I tell him I am no longer complete without him.

But I do not believe in a God.
I do not believe in an afterlife. Or a ‘happy ever after’ past this mere mortality.
But in my mind we will live forever- Him and I, endlessly intertwined…

. .. . ..


Perhaps forever is a word we really can’t understand.


She used the poison in his tea, and kissed him goodbye. ( So it is. So it’s always been. ) ..It’s no fun ’til someone dies.

Music/title: Vicarious; Tool
_ _

[ I dreamt of her again. ]

Isn’t it always this way?  [ No.  It was different this time. ]
She was sane?  [ No, not quite. ]  Oh, but that room… You were in her room again, weren’t you?

[ Yes. ]

It felt more real, didn’t it?

[ Yes.  I could feel her beside me.
I could feel my disappointment with every word she didn’t hear me say.
. ]

You still feel trapped in that room, don’t you?

[ Yes.. I feel I’ll never fully escape. ]

/ / /

Ten years later.  And here I am..
Still sixteen, having one sided arguments with my essentially dead mother.

. .. .. .

When will it finally be enough?
Your actual death?  Is that what I’m waiting for? ..Do you think then I’ll feel at peace?
Do you think then I’ll stop fucking dreaming about your insanity?

Do you think then I’ll stop envisioning my fists pounding relentlessly into your fucking flesh?!

. .. .. .

I don’t think there’s anything normal about this anymore.