09.19.15 [52/52] My heart is my armor- She’s the tear in my heart, she’s a carver. She’s a butcher with a smile, cut me farther… (Than I’ve ever been)

Music/title: Tear In My Heart; Twenty One Pilots
_ _

Dear Arden,

You once told me that you wanted to make me happier
than anything else on this planet. 
You said that from the day we met,
you wanted me to be as happy with *myself* as you are with me.
And maybe that’s what I’ve actually been searching for…
Not someone to fill this persistent void I hold inside, but, instead..
Someone to encourage me in accepting it.

You are what drives me-
What pulls me to keep demanding more from life.

And you are the *only* reason I’ve ever been able to keep
in wanting my own happiness…

I love you, Arden.. More than anything else.
You don’t have to fight for me for anymore,
Because I’m here. And I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with you,
My best friend.


::breathes deep::   …And here we go.

I’ll see you all in a month…  ;]



05.23.15 [35/52] Can you save, Can you save my… Can you save my heavy dirty soul? (For me, for me, oh)

Music/title: Heavydirtysoul; Twenty One Pilots
_ _


Isn’t it always this way?

. .. . ..


Most of the time it blends together.
Each session running into the next- But this… This time..
God, to be in that moment again..

Your nails digging unforgivingly into my hips,
My own body completely crushed beneath the weight of you-
Convulsion, after convulsion, after convulsion,
It’s always this way..


And I am never more complete, when completely without control.

/ / /

Oh, oh, I’m falling..

I think I lost my halo.. I don’t know where you are, you’ll have to come and find me- (FIND ME!)

Music/title: Polarize; Twenty One Pilots
_ _


“We have problems.”

. . ….


Sometimes I lie to people-
Telling them it’s no big deal, that I don’t give a shit about her.
‘Why the fuck do you even care?!’ ..I tell myself.

You think I called you cause I miss you… I was merely filling the insatiable void.

. . .


One of these days I won’t be able to hide anymore.
..And then where will we be?


An isle of flightless birds.. I am cold, can you hear? ( And the ground, it taunts my wings.. )

Music/title: Isle of Flightless Birds; Twenty One Pilots
_ _
I am slowly discovering just how deep this all goes.
I see my own self destruction lacing every fiber that I am,
and it scares the ever living out of me.
[ Happiness equals vulnerability..
It’s comfortable to feel worthless…
I am slowly discovering I am capable of so much more.
I see myself accepting things that feel good,
and it scares the ever living out of me.
.. .. . ..
“Now is the climax to the story-
And he is waiting, oh so patiently..”


Here we are again, pretending to understand how you think your world is ending.. (So try to love me, and I’ll try to save you.)

09.10.13 -2
Music/title: Lovely; Twenty One Pilots
_ _
“Although, I don’t know… You’ve been different lately.”
He pushes me.
But not like before.
I’m pushed to think, not to do..

You make it hurt less.
You take everything I’m feeling,
all the mixed thoughts that loop themselves round and round in my head,
and you spread them neatly out in front of me-
As if to say,
“Here. Look at this. Understand it. Hold it.
How does that feel?
Now how can we make it better?”

.. .. . . …
Nothing has ever made as much to sense to me as this.