I can taste the failure on your lips; And I’ll save you from yourself… (Can we make it out alive?)


Music/title: The Sadness Will Never End; Bring Me the Horizon
_ _

 

“And you’re trapped in your past,
Like it’s six feet under.”

. .. …

 

Don’t you think I fucking know..?
You think I haven’t tried to forgive and forget?

Go on- You tell me how to “fix it.”
You give me a quick and easy solution, step by step instructions now..
And I’ll fucking do it.
 

But don’t you tell me she can’t help it-
Don’t proclaim “Everyone can be saved” and “She’s still human.”
And DON’T fucking feed me that bullshit about your God..
Where was he when she nearly burned herself alive?
And when she was attempting murder, where was your God then?
. .. …
 

Think I’m going to die if I keep harboring these feelings?  –So fucking be it!
Your God should fucking know I’ve tried to forgive that worthless, incompetent piece of shit.
Your “fix” isn’t going to save anyone…

 

And it sure as hell isn’t going to save me.

03.21.15 [26/52] Hello there, Dear Nicholas…. ( I’ve hated you since our first kiss )

03.21.15
Music/title: Bungalow; Al Bairre
_ _

 

“You’ll never understand, I just did it ‘cause I can…”

. .. ..

 

It was just so damn vivid..

[ Are you still going through with it? ]

 

 
….Of-fucking-course.

. . .


 

Sometimes I hear her voice-  Playing those same conversations over and over in my head.
Sometimes I imagine smashing her head into the floor- Purely beyond recognition..

 

[ Still think you’re going through with it? ]

 

/ / /

 
I’ve had a little bit too much of her..

12.27.14 [14/52] She said, “Paint a picture on me, throw your dress up, and your heart away.”

12.21.14 -8
Music/title: Besitos; Pierce the Veil
_ _

 

“I felt like destroying something beautiful.”

. .. . . ..

 
What is it really?
 

Is it this body? [ You tell me I’m beautiful, therefor I must be. ]
What about this photo? ..Is this what beauty looks like? [ I think it’s beautiful, therefor it must be. ]
Sometimes I get the urge to bite into flesh until I taste the blood on my lips.

 

Now that.

 
..Wouldn’t that be beautiful.
 

/ / /
 

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce the selfish machine.

She used the poison in his tea, and kissed him goodbye. ( So it is. So it’s always been. ) ..It’s no fun ’til someone dies.


Music/title: Vicarious; Tool
_ _
 

[ I dreamt of her again. ]

Isn’t it always this way?  [ No.  It was different this time. ]
She was sane?  [ No, not quite. ]  Oh, but that room… You were in her room again, weren’t you?

[ Yes. ]

It felt more real, didn’t it?

[ Yes.  I could feel her beside me.
I could feel my disappointment with every word she didn’t hear me say.
. ]

You still feel trapped in that room, don’t you?

[ Yes.. I feel I’ll never fully escape. ]

/ / /
 

Ten years later.  And here I am..
Still sixteen, having one sided arguments with my essentially dead mother.

. .. .. .

When will it finally be enough?
Your actual death?  Is that what I’m waiting for? ..Do you think then I’ll feel at peace?
Do you think then I’ll stop fucking dreaming about your insanity?

Do you think then I’ll stop envisioning my fists pounding relentlessly into your fucking flesh?!

. .. .. .
 

I don’t think there’s anything normal about this anymore.
 

Now she spurts, now she sputters, now she dies.. ( Kill the lights, close the curtains, shut your eyes…….. )

09.19.14 -2
Music/title: Quantum Of Solace; Miracles of Modern Science
_ _

 

I should be dead.

Or at least the living equivalent of it.
Ever seen your mother douse herself in gasoline?
[ Ever wished she’d actually lit the match? ]

.. . .. . . ..

Imagine for a brief moment your childhood.
Imagine your fifteen year old self wishing for your own death.
[ Kill yourself?  No. You wouldn’t go quite that far with it. ]
Imagine waking up alone.
Imagine not knowing if you’d see your mother today, or if she’d stay locked in that room.
[ You’re crying, pounding your tiny fists on her door.. It’s been weeks since you last felt the sun dig into your skin.
So desperate.. You’re swearing and screaming you won’t go anywhere else.
]

Sixteen years old, and she nearly lights the whole house on fire attempting her suicide.
[ But she’s your mother. You love her. How could you leave her?  It’s not her fault she’s sick… Right? ]
Seventeen years old, and you left.  But still she calls.  And hours are filled with talk of your betrayal.
[ You’re a terrible daughter.  How could abandon your own mother like that.  Everyone else, sure …But you? ]

Twenty-two years old, and she nearly beats your grandmother to death with a paperweight.
[ But she won’t press charges.  Because it’s her daughter.  It’s not her fault she’s sick… Right? ]
Twenty-five years old, and she’s finally institutionalized.  Locked away forever;
You wonder how it ever got this far..

[ Twenty-five years in- You’re happily engaged, miles and miles away from her insanity.
And you’re wondering how it ever got this far…
]

.. . . .. . .
 

Sometimes it’s worth holding your breath for just a little bit longer..
Because that single moment when the pain finally does stop…
That- That’s what’s really worth living for.

Another knife in my hands; a stain that never comes off the sheets- Clean me off… ( I’m so dirty babe )

12.30.13 -1

Music/title: I Never Told You What I Do For A Living; My Chemical Romance
_ _

 
The day I realized he was a psychopath, that’s when I really fell in love with him..

 

/ / /

 

“I’d just really like to cut them up into tiny little pieces.”
Looking back, I dunno why I always thought he was joking..
He always said these things in such a cheerful way when we were friends.  Everything he did was funny to me.  Hell, it STILL is, but for entirely different reasons…

We’d been best friends for years, yet dating for only a few months at this point.  And I remember he was trying to explain his “darker side” to me one night. I laughed, as usual. I told him I was entirely comfortable with him being mean to people.

“No, you don’t understand.
It’s… It’s like..
My dog. You know the one that’s sick?”

[ Yes. ]

“Yeah. I’m glad it’s dying. I want it to die. It’s a miserable waste of a human’s time and money, just the same as weak people… They all deserve to die.”

.. . . . .

 
I remember staring at him at him for a moment.
I remember he looked so small sitting in front of me; elaborating to the woman he loved, a person who’s heart was too big for her own good, that he was perfectly comfortable tormenting and destroying the people he felt inferior to him. That he actively wanted this.

And a part of me felt scared for a moment. I felt scared at the realization that the person I was dating, the person I loved more anything, could so easily and comfortably kill so many people he felt useless as a waste of space, time, and overall life.

But I saw him shaking on the floor.. I saw his heart laid out there before me, and I wanted to love it. I wanted so badly to show him he could be loved and happy despite the things he felt; the things about himself he couldn’t control.

So I crawled on top of him. I covered him with the weight of my body, and I let him feel that I didn’t care. That I still loved and accepted every part of him. Whether he ever killed or not, I wanted to be with him- despite everything he felt, or would ever feel. My life was a part of his now.

I felt his body slowly stop shaking beneath me.

“That’s amazing….
I’ve… I’ve never had anyone fix me like that..
..I love you, Bettina.”

.. .. . … . .

 
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, lately.
I feel like I should be more concerned or worried about him and what he’s capable of. Not many people proudly say, “Yes, my fiancé is perfectly comfortable killing people, and would easily get away with it.”

But, for some reason, I do..

 
I see the way he looks at me, how happy just my mere presence makes him, and I know that he’ll never kill as long as I’m alive. I know that he’ll live a content, full life with the occasional anger and urge to kill people. And I know the moment I die he will quickly find the people he despises- Ending their lives in the most tormenting, gruesome way imaginable.

I am perfectly comfortable with this.
And yet, I wonder…

 

What does this say about me?
 

I walked into the room dripping, in gold…. ( Can’t you want m-m-me? )

Music/title: Crave You (Adventure Club Dubstep Remix); Flight Facilities
_ _

 
Part of me considered going to see her.

Not to speak with her, but just to see her. To watch her weak, pathetic self rotting away in that lifeless mental institution. Part of me hoped I’d feel a sense of satisfaction, maybe even closure…
But I know better.

She will always be there, sitting in the back of my mind-
Grasping what little anger I contain within myself. And it will always be pure bliss imaging how it would be to break her every fiber… To feel my mother’s flesh soften beneath my tiny fists… God, how sweet it would be…

 
But I know better.

This wouldn’t give me closure.
There is no closure for me.

 
And there never will be…
 

Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here…

04.27.14 -4

Music/title: Hayling; FC/Kahuna
_ _

 

They stuck the needle in my mouth, and it was like every dream I’d ever had…

The fear of my own teeth consumed me.  It barely hurt, but I could feel myself silently screaming.  My own phobia was now a living part of me.  But I didn’t say a word.  I barely winced, because it was something that had to be done.  There wasn’t a choice in anything here..
 

Seven hours later I’m in my car crying.  Half numb from the medication, half from fear of my own mouth.  I couldn’t get the images out of my head… These irrational mental pictures of how terrifying it all felt, and the vivid pictures of everything they’d done flashing back and forth- My mind stuck in this endless loop.
A part of me hated my mother in that moment.
 

I wouldn’t need this if you hadn’t been so fucked..

 
Now, my fear moving to anger and hatred.. Now I felt the urge to yell at her again- To beat the ever living out of her..  I try to tell myself that it wouldn’t have mattered, that I was always scared of this, even when she was ‘normal’.. You were stubborn, Bettina.  You never would have gone anyway..
But it’s useless..  It’s all still useless.
 

 
I’m trapped in this box for weeks..

05.26.12 [151] Where the land is low, is where the bones will show through. Nameless you above me, come lay me low and love me.

05.26.12
 
Music/title: Love Dog; TV On the Radio
_ _
 
 
I want to feel naked. exposed. and helpless.
I want to be beaten. degraded. Made to feel worthless.
 
I know these aren’t normal things, but they’re constant struggles for me. I’m angry at my mother, but I can’t talk to her. I can’t yell at her. Or hit her. So here I am. Needing to be put in my place once again.
 
I’m not really sure how I’ve worked myself into this mood so quickly.
 
 
But my thoughts are consuming me.