I walked into the room dripping, in gold…. ( Can’t you want m-m-me? )

Music/title: Crave You (Adventure Club Dubstep Remix); Flight Facilities
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Part of me considered going to see her.

Not to speak with her, but just to see her. To watch her weak, pathetic self rotting away in that lifeless mental institution. Part of me hoped I’d feel a sense of satisfaction, maybe even closure…
But I know better.

She will always be there, sitting in the back of my mind-
Grasping what little anger I contain within myself. And it will always be pure bliss imaging how it would be to break her every fiber… To feel my mother’s flesh soften beneath my tiny fists… God, how sweet it would be…

But I know better.

This wouldn’t give me closure.
There is no closure for me.

And there never will be…

Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here…

04.27.14 -4

Music/title: Hayling; FC/Kahuna
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They stuck the needle in my mouth, and it was like every dream I’d ever had…

The fear of my own teeth consumed me.  It barely hurt, but I could feel myself silently screaming.  My own phobia was now a living part of me.  But I didn’t say a word.  I barely winced, because it was something that had to be done.  There wasn’t a choice in anything here..

Seven hours later I’m in my car crying.  Half numb from the medication, half from fear of my own mouth.  I couldn’t get the images out of my head… These irrational mental pictures of how terrifying it all felt, and the vivid pictures of everything they’d done flashing back and forth- My mind stuck in this endless loop.
A part of me hated my mother in that moment.

I wouldn’t need this if you hadn’t been so fucked..

Now, my fear moving to anger and hatred.. Now I felt the urge to yell at her again- To beat the ever living out of her..  I try to tell myself that it wouldn’t have mattered, that I was always scared of this, even when she was ‘normal’.. You were stubborn, Bettina.  You never would have gone anyway..
But it’s useless..  It’s all still useless.

I’m trapped in this box for weeks..

05.26.12 [151] Where the land is low, is where the bones will show through. Nameless you above me, come lay me low and love me.

Music/title: Love Dog; TV On the Radio
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I want to feel naked. exposed. and helpless.
I want to be beaten. degraded. Made to feel worthless.
I know these aren’t normal things, but they’re constant struggles for me. I’m angry at my mother, but I can’t talk to her. I can’t yell at her. Or hit her. So here I am. Needing to be put in my place once again.
I’m not really sure how I’ve worked myself into this mood so quickly.
But my thoughts are consuming me.