05.19.12 [144] There’s blood on the good book, love in the bad brook. Suck out all the nerve and make it yours!

05.19.12
 
Music/title: An Orgy Of Critics; Say Anything
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I saw Warren yesterday. We talked for a bit, and, from what I can tell, he’s not at all ready to be friends with me right now. Which is fine with me. He’s too quick to judge, and would completely freak out with the relationships I’m involved in right now.
 
I felt like more of adult than I ever have talking to him. About work, my friendships, and just general life. I felt confident. and attractive. and knew I was fine without him. I’m fine without anyone right now.
 
I’ve always been so dependent on people to be happy with myself. This is a completely new and wonderful thing for me. And it’s fucking fantastic.
 
I feel the urge to shred my clothes off. Monday can’t get here fast enough.
 
 
And here we go again…
 
 
/ / /
 
The colors here. ♥
 

04.29.12 [124] If I can pretend, I don’t depend. I can deny, deny denial.

04.29.12
 
Music/title: Invisible Monsters; Motion City Soundtrack
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I should be sleeping, but I’m not. No Jenny tonight. Instead I went to a couple of somewhat odd/awesome bars in Flint with Jesse and friends. Didn’t enjoy myself as much as I would’ve with Jenny, but it was a different kind of fun. And Jenny will most likely happen Wednesday night, so I’m satisfied. ::smiles::
 
I don’t really understand any of this anymore. I feel like I’m burying myself in things until there’s no room left to breathe. But I don’t want to breathe. I don’t need air. I need to suffocate myself in people and friends and all the things that I’ve missed out on. I need to feel like I’m actually living.
 
I haven’t thought about Warren in so long. I don’t mean just the occasional thought or mention of him in conversation. I mean really thought about him.
 
Does this mean I’m doing well with the breakup? Or really badly? Why did I just suddenly stop being devastated? It was four years, and I suddenly don’t care anymore?
 
This is how Erica always ended relationships. Maybe it’s what works.
 
 
I really should be sleeping now.